November 2006 (v9 i3)
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Raptor testifying before the
Congressional Extinction Committee
Trust me, extinction isn’t that cool
Terrorizing creatures of the earth has its privileges
by Veloc E. Raptor, Extinct Since Cenozoic

Everyone’s talking about how global warming really isn’t that big of a deal, but seriously guys — extinction really isn’t that great. Trust me. I should know.

It was only a couple billion years ago (or was it ten thousand?) that I was the literal cock of the walk on earth. I had dozens of razor sharp teeth capable of ripping flesh from bone, powerful hindquarters enabling me to reach speeds of 40 plus miles an hour and above average intelligence allowing me to hunt in packs and open doors. I mean did you see how much hell I raised in that movie Jurassic Park? I can eat people while they’re still alive!

That takes talent.

And all the ladies loved me too. Let’s just say the Park wasn’t the only thing that was Jurassic!

Those were good times man.... great times. But they’re all over now because some douchebag asteroid decided to hit earth. So seriously guys, unless you want the only knowledge of your species to be found in a movie starring Sam “I haven’t been in a decent movie since Merlin’s Apprentice” Neill then I’d advise you take global warming a little more seriously.
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