November 2006 (v9 i3)
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Penguins are fucking everywhere
by Herb Cantwell, Concerned Patriot

Seriously. This is getting ridiculous. Whatís the deal with these fucking penguins? Remember when you could turn your head and not see a penguin staring you in the face with its beady, lifeless eyes? I do. That was nice.

Am I the only whose bothered by the exploding penguin population? Am I the only one who thinks itís a problem? That seems to be the case, and thatís quite possibly the most disturbing part of this whole penguin fiasco. Iím convinced that penguin saturation of the media has indoctrinated the masses into penguin tolerance. While I hate to admit it, Noam Chomsky was right.

Remember when ďMarch of the PenguinsĒ came out? That movie made, like, a billion dollars. Thatís a billion dollars going straight into the pockets of these fucking penguins, and yet Iím the only one who seems to be frightened by the thought of hundreds of thousands of marching penguins with disposable income.

Marching where? Iíll tell you where — across our fucking borders. More like ďInvasion of the Penguins.Ē I mean, I havenít seen the film, but the writing is all over the damned wall. Somehow, the slippery bastards managed to get to Morgan Freeman, and if they managed that, it might already be too late.

No, Iím not kidding. Their beaks are razor sharp, and they can use their fins to slowly bludgeon us to death. Sure, they may not be able to fly, but itís only a matter of time.

And it wonít be any kind of surprise attack. They saw what we did to Japan in World War II. So for decades theyíve been sitting and biding their time, formulating their nefarious plan. And slowly but surely, theyíve been slipping into our way of life not unlike the way their demon-like newborn slip into the cool waters around an icy glacier.

But worse yet, they donít even bother to learn our language. Whose country do you think this is, you tuxedo-wearing asshole? If I get the wrong order at Wendyís again because the fucking penguin at the drive-thru doesnít speak English or have opposable thumbs, I am just gonna snap.

And they donít discipline their children.

Speaking of children, have you noticed that there are two animated penguin movies being released in the coming months. Itís obvious theyíre trying to brainwash our impressionable youths, but Iím not falling for it. Iíll blind my kids before I let them be subjected to any penguin propaganda.

I know this is a rude awakening, America, but somebody had to do it. We have been lulled to sleep by a deceptive lullaby sung by the icy mistresses of the North, and their rising threat looms over our borders like the shadow of a terrible nightmare above our beds. Myself, I havenít slept in months. Every time I close my eyes, Iím haunted with terrible visions of the penguin holocaust...penguins forcing all able-bodied men into oppressive slave labor...penguins tearing at the flesh of my wife...penguins taking turns raping my daughters. Sons of bitches. Goddamn sons of bitches.

What can you do to curtail the penguin problem? First of all, vote Republican. Hopefully, we can manage to confine them to a few insignificant districts and minimize their political clout.

Secondly, and most importantly, arm yourselves. Collect whatever you have available to pierce their small skulls and prepare to protect your home. It is likely that they still have not completely adapted to warm weather, so run your heaters nonstop. Their greatest natural predators are killer whales and leopard seals, so if you have the means, procure a few of these and station them at each entrance of your place of residence.

God sent 10 plagues upon Egypt, and now he sends a plague of penguins down upon America. Iíll be damned before I see my country turned over to the ice-loving spawn of a frozen hell. Itís time to unite against them, so join me. Join me in turning against our penguin oppressors, because, quite frankly, penguins are fucking everywhere.
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