November 2006 (v9 i3)
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History major ruins war film
by Austin Presley, Staff Writer

CAMPUS — Sophomore Doug Merck repeatedly annoyed his friends earlier this week as they attempted to watch the film Enemy at the Gates. “Yet another movie night ruined by Doug,” bemoaned friend Molly Dyson. “This has been happening ever since he switched majors.”

Merck originally applied to the University in pursuit of a RTF degree, but recently transferred to the College of Liberal Arts as a history major.

“I’ve always loved movies,” claimed Merck as he realphabetized his DVD collection. “So I thought I would persue a career in the film industry, but after taking a few courses I decided to try something a little more concrete. Sometimes you just have to be grown-up and realistic about your career aspirations.”

Ever since his transfer, Merck has reportedly made a habit of showing off his knowledge of cinema trivia while watching Jeopardy, vocally arguing with History Channel narrators and pointing out as many factual inaccuracies as possible while watching movies.

“Oh, yeah right,” grunted Merck as he watched Soviet officials locking soldiers inside a cramped rail car at the opening of the popular Jude Law war film. “Like they would really lock the doors. They couldn’t do that, because if the train got bombed they would all be killed.” Merck then sighed emphatically and slumped back in his seat, clearly indicating his disgust.

“It’s just a movie, Doug,” responded Dyson. “It’s not like it’s a documentary or anything.”

Merck’s friends have become increasingly irritated at his frequent interjections.

“He doesn’t understand that we don’t care,” complained Merck’s ex-roommate Gail Worther. “I just watch movies because I enjoy them. Besides, the only reason Molly and I chose Enemy at the Gates is because Jude Law is hot. Nothing inaccurate about that.”

Dyson, who has known Merck since their freshman year, blames Merck’s own insecurities as the cause of his criticisms.

“If you ask me,” theorized Dyson, “He’s just picking on all these movies because he gave up on his dreams and he knows he’ll never find true happiness studying history. Instead, he takes out his frustrations by ripping apart Jude Law. It’s pathetic.”

Oblivious to his critics, Merck continued railing against the fim.

“Give me a break,” he exclaimed vehemently, “They wouldn’t use the human wave in the middle of an urban battle!” Merck then slapped his palm against his forehead and laughed.
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