November 2006 (v9 i3)
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Community college friend ruins awesome weekend
by Sara Kanewske, Associate Editor

Knox is taking a stand against mini-kegs.
Sophomore James Knox was visited by former high school classmate and current San Jacinto Community College student Michael Briggs last weekend. The friends were separated after graduation when Briggs was unable to afford a four-year university and opted to get his basics at community college instead.

“I was really excited to hang out with James again,” said Briggs, “even though I had to take off shifts at both of my jobs and pay for the gas with the birthday money my grandma sent me.”

Knox and Briggs started off the weekend with a beer run in which Knox asked his “old-time pal to spot him a 20.” Later the two played drinking games to reruns of South Park until they headed out to West Campus parties. Knox, however, expressed concern that the University lifestyle might be too much for his community college friend.

“I wasn’t sure if ol’ Mikey could keep up this weekend,” said Knox as he took another hit off of “the destroyer,” his bong. “But for the son of a blue-collared shopkeeper, he did all right.”

In anticipation of Briggs’ arrival, Knox put fresh linens on his over-stuffed leather Pottery Barn couch next to the 20-inch flat screen television and solid gold goblet glasses. The living room was still large enough to fit a beer pong table, two life-sized Vince Young cut outs and Briggs’ financial insecurity.

“It was definitely a good idea that I came to visit James, instead of the other way around,” said Briggs as he finished filling out his W-2 tax form. “If we had gone to my house, my little brother Daniel would have roomed with Grandma in the kitchen/living room/nursery.”

Briggs parked his used 1987 teal-blue Tercel in Knox’s multilevel parking garage. The boys decided to take Knox’s bimmer to his fraternity’s “White Trash” party later that evening.

“I’d rather vomit malt liquor all over my lamb-skin leather seats and 6-disc CD changer than be seen riding in a car older than my my parent’s maid,” Knox said.

Upon arriving at the party, Briggs found it difficult to relate to the other UT students.

“I tried to start up a conversation about the midterm elections with some guys who said they were government majors,” Briggs said. “But they kept getting pulled away to do keg stands, body shots and to comment on how awesome the ‘Trailer-Park build’ looked.”

Recalling the events of the past weekend, Knox commented on Briggs’ ability to fit-in socially with the UT party scene. Specifically, Knox noted the tension between their obvious class differences, justifying his substance abuse problem.

“I mean, sure I’ve gotten too drunk to remember why I’m heterosexual, but I have a trust fund,” Knox said. “Shouldn’t Michael be using his Edward-40-hands to earn some cold, hard cash?”
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