College Democrats really helped out this year
CAMPUS — The College Democrats reportedly partied hard enough to wake Thomas Jefferson from the grave Saturday at a well-deserved, self-congratulatory celebration for turning America blue this election.
|Three cheers for minorities back in power!|
“We’re all really friggin’ pumped about the results of this election,” said Jessica Manzana, president of the College Democrats. “All of our block-walking, phone-banking, and West Mall tabling paid off big time!”
Despite the election of a Republican governor in Texas, the CDems are confident their political volunteering saved the midterm elections and will one day get them into law school, the Senate and eventually heaven.
“With all this real-world experience, how could I not get into law school?” said Sergeant-at-Arms James Fellows as he retouched the paint of the Democratic donkey bucking wildly on the CDems’ meeting poster. “Then after I graduate from UT Law and work my way up to partner, I’ll be on my way to Capitol Hill and then Pennsylvania Avenue!”
Freshman still searching for locker.
Walking back to dorm before class ‘really inconvenient’
CAMPUS — With final exams fast approaching, freshman Drew Ryker is still searching for his locker and homeroom.
“I thought they would assign me a locker in the liberal arts building, because I’m a psychology major, but so far I haven’t had any luck finding mine,” bemoaned Ryker, adding wide-ruled notebook paper to his Trapper Keeper. “It’s becoming really inconvenient to have to walk all the way back to my dorm just to switch out the books in my backpack before each class.”
Recently, Ryker has resorted to entering every lecture hall on campus at 8 a.m. in search of his homeroom. “It’s taken almost three months to sit in each classroom in the six-pack, but I’m still searching,” said a frustrated Ryker as he zipped open the pouch containing his colored pencils.
Roommate and biology sophomore Ken Lampson has assisted Ryker in his quest: “I would tell him there aren’t lockers or homerooms in college, but then he would never believe me when I tell him to bring a small gift to his professor on the last day of class.”
Carole Keeton Strayhorn chokes on ‘one tough piece of meat’
AUSTIN — While dining at a local Luby’s Cafeteria, Carol Keeton McClellan Rylander Strayhorn choked on a bite of her liver and onion platter.
Strayhorn, who ran for governor as an Independent, had been enjoying a late lunch when she was shocked by how horribly overcooked her meat was.
“It was really hard to swallow,” Strayhorn said as she reapplied adhesive Polident Dentu grip and adjusted the Velcro on her tan S.A.S. shoes. “I just want to be honest with you Texas, that liver’s a no good eatin’, vomit inducin’, denture breakin’ phony son-of-a-gun!”
After recovering from her brush with death, Keeton McClellan Rylander Strayhorn mused with the various members of the wait staff about what her new self-declared moniker should be, unable to choose between “Still Alive” and “One Hawt Grandma.”
Democrats vow to bring stem-cell research, gay marriage to Iraq
Riding post-election high, Pelosi vows to make troubled country ‘just like Vermont’
WASHINGTON — House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced a comprehensive foreign policy agenda Monday on the heels of Democrats winning a majority in the House and Senate.
The plan has drawn criticism for convoluting domestic and foreign policy, as its main focus is allowing the controversial stem cell research and the even more divisive gay marriage in Iraq.
“This plan would sound really intelligent if a four-year-old had written it,” says Virginia resident Paul Bryer. “I can’t believe I just voted for them.”
But Pelosi repeats the mantra that at least Democrats are not Republicans.
“Yeah, like I’m really going to listen to ‘I’m sticking by Rummy’ about what to do in Iraq,” declared a flippant Pelosi, referring to the president’s once ardent defense of Donald Rumsfeld.
The foreign policy agenda also includes a comprehensive prescription drug plan for Afghanistan and increased Medicare benefits in Guantanamo.
Drunk male not attracted to best friend
Plastered student claims he’s ‘not in to dudes’
WEST CAMPUS — An inebriated Kyle Brenner declared to all present at a party in West Campus last Saturday night that he was not physically attracted to best friend Mike Dieter.
|Have you switched|
these jeans are mountain
fresh and snuggly soft.
“Mike, I do not like dudes! So get your piercing blue eyes and velvet mouth away from me,” slurred Brenner. “Come on, man! Stop flirting with me!”
Although Brenner has a history of getting belligerently drunk, Dieter claims Brenner has never expressed those feelings to himself, or 200 other people.
“Kyle just likes to act out different characters when he gets sloshed,” nervously chuckled Dieter. “Like last week, Kyle pretended to be my girlfriend by spooning me from behind in the dark.”
As Dieter attempted to continue his story, Brenner interjected: “I am not gay, I am not gay!”
‘Cool’ uncle no longer cool with liver disease
PHILADELPHIA — Sean D. Carasso, a 38-year-old airline pilot, is apparently no longer cool amongst his young nephews after coming down with a life threatening case of cirrhosis of the liver.
“Uncle Sean used to be so freaking cool. He’d always buy us ice cream and find these giant coins behind our ears,” said Carrasso’s youngest nephew Jacob Dylan. “But now that he’s in the hospital all he does is vomit into a clear bag and sleep.”
A self-proclaimed bachelor for life, Carasso enjoyed spending time with his nephews, often dressing up in clown costumes for their birthdays and letting them watch R-rated movies in his bayside condo. But with his recent health problems he has been unable to spend “quality chill time” with his nephews.
“I used to enjoy hanging out with those cats over the holidays, but I just don’t have the energy anymore,” said Carrasso from his hospital bed as a nurse slowly spooned tapioca pudding into his quivering mouth. “Plus now that I’m in here, I can’t use them to pick up chicks.”
Woman’s flat tire is ‘just her luck’
AUSTIN — After an incident involving a sudden tire blowout on northbound I-35 yesterday, Mary Walsam was upset but resigned to her fate.
“Of course this had to happen today when I’m already late to pick up my kids from school. This is just my luck.”
Walsam, a mother of two, expressed frustration at her seemingly constant stream of bad luck and unfortunate coincidences.
“This is just like last week, when it rained the day after I got my car washed, or yesterday when Banana Republic was all out of my size in that sweater I loved. Can’t I ever get a break?”
Walsam, a stay-at-home mom and wife of a prominent investment banker, made plans to call a tow truck and have her BMW SUV taken to get a new tire. “Now I’m sure the dealership is going to be busy, and I’ll have to take some awful rental car that’s been driven by God knows who. I should just kill myself.”
Chanukkah present re-gifted for the eighth night in a row
NEW YORK — Ari Fleckman was stunned and befuddled on the eighth and final day of Chanukkah when he was presented with a framed portrait of Sandy Koufax that he himself had regifted three days earlier.
|Sandy Koufax: The Greatest Jew Who|
Ever Lived, except Jesus
“My family has a tradition to give one family member a gift on one of the eight days,” said Fleckman. “It’s just puzzling that I ended up with the same Sandy Koufax portrait that I had earlier regifted to Uncle Mordechai.”
Although Fleckman received the gift twice, he soon discovered that the portrait had changed hands nine times over the holiday.
Fleckman explained, “From what I’ve gathered, my mother originally gave the present to my father, who gave it to me, then I gave it to Uncle Mordechai, who FedExed it to my brother Avi in Los Angeles, who sent it Priority Mail to his lawyer Chaim Cohen, who gave it to his stepson Ben, who sent it to his cousin Josh Abramson, who gave it to his girlfriend who happens to be my cousin, Ruth Ginsberg, who gave it back to me. Nailing the portrait to his bedroom wall, Fleckman added: “At least I didn’t get an eight-pack of menorahs, again.”
Lisa Frank folder useful, uglier than vomit
CAMPUS — Sophomore English major Diane Johnson was disappointed at the reaction her Lisa Frank-designed folder elicited. The folder, which depicts two leopard kittens cuddling in front of a sunset colored heart, was used by Johnson to carry the miscellaneous handouts her American Novels professor routinely distributes.
“That folder is so ugly I want to slash my face off,” said classmate Stephanie Chan, admittedly overreacting. “I wonder what kind of world we live in if people exist who think that is cute.”
Johnson, however, defends her choice. “Well, I definitely needed a folder to carry all these papers,” said Johnson as she adjusted her pink ‘50s style glasses. “I just like to express myself, and besides, look how cute these babies are! Their spots are purple.”
Even Johnson’s professor was opposed to her organizational system. “I was nearly blinded by that neon abomination when she first pulled it out of her Friends-covered tote,” said professor Dan McKlusky. “Frankly, I don’t even know why she has a folder. Why doesn’t she just throw the handouts in the recycling bin like everyone else does on their way out of class?”
Effiminate man’s pre-planned sports comment goes awry
Student accidentally proves no one can equally appreciate football, loofahs
AUSTIN — Textiles and Apparel junior Eugene Norman gave up hope of ever being considered a man’s man when he attempted to talk shop with neighboring Longhorn fans during the UT-Kansas State game.
Norman, enjoying but not really understanding the game at a local bar, watched eagerly with a comment he had rehearsed the entire day, waiting to be used.
After UT quarterback Colt McCoy successfully completed a touchdown pass, Norman was quick to shout, “That makes 27 touchdowns and a sure-to-be Heisman winner, am I right guys?”
The effect was lost, however, due to Norman’s nervous habit of speaking without pausing in between words.
“I have no idea what the hell that guy way saying,” said fellow fan David Brackson. “All I heard was somethingsomethingHeismannsomething.”
Norman, only able to draw attention for his poor delivery, tried to recover with a spontaneous “that Colt’s more like a stallion.”
Rather than salvage the situation, however, his unrehearsed addition left half the bar with mouths agape silently nudging each other to make sure they all heard.
Norman left the bar shortly after to watch reruns of Project Runway.
Freshman’s excitement over politics wanes; interest in celebrity gossip holds firm
After mid term elections, student rethinks changing his major, giving a rat’s ass about democracy
CAMPUS — Freshman Michael Anders “could really give a shit” about politics now that the midterm elections have come and gone he confirmed Tuesday.
“I can’t believe how excited I was to vote,” said Anders with a wizened, slightly bitter tone. “I was duped into thinking my vote mattered.” Anders, who is currently undeclared, briefly considered making government his major during the weeks preceding the election.
“Everything just seemed so fast-paced and exciting,” explained a now-blasé Anders, glancing at a trashcan full of discarded issues of The Economist and Newsweek. “What with all the scandals and racy negative ads.”
Less than 24 hours after George Allen conceded Virginia and ensured a Democratic majority in the senate, Anders dropped his political interest, making PinkIsTheNewBlog his homepage once again.
Citing politics’ return to its usual home in “Mind-numbing Boredom Land,” Anders was quick to move his interest back to celebrity gossip.
Moving his voter registration card to the back of his wallet, he added, “Did you hear that Britney text message-divorced K-fed?”
After eating a ‘mediocre’ sandwich, coworkers describe man as ‘dead inside’
ATHENS, GA — Corporate CPA Ed Millward appeared despondent Tuesday after eating what he described as a “sub-par” sandwich during his lunch break.
“I was looking forward to lunch all morning,” recalled a dejected Millward, staring into his trashcan at the discarded sandwich. “They made it the same way they always do, but for some reason...” Millward’s voice trailed off as he absent mindedly moved the plastic butter knife back-and-forth across his wrists.
Woodward’s co-workers noticed his changed mood that afternoon.
“It was clear something was bothering him when we came back from lunch,” explained fellow CPA Linda Rollins. “He seemed really excited when we left, but afterwards he just spent the rest of the day staring at his computer screen with his head in his hands. I know he was crying at some point.”
Other colleagues observed Woodward’s frequent sighs and slumped shoulders at the team meeting later that day.
“My heart just wasn’t in it anymore,” stated Millward. “I don’t know how to describe it.” Millward’s spirits were restored, however, when he remembered the yankee pot roast that awaited him for dinner.
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