November 2006 (v9 i3)
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BCS to rank human worth #1 – 6,555,326,215
by Austin Presley, Staff Writer

  1. Lance Armstrong
  2. Oprah Winfrey
  3. George W. Bush
  4. Tom Selleck
  5. David Blaine
  6. Mike Jones
  7. Joel Osteen
  8. Yao Ming
  9. Aquaman
  10. Bill Gates
  11. Jim Adler, The Tough Smart Lawyer
  12. “Nature Boy” Ric Flair
  13. Kelsey Lamb
  14. Kelsey Lamb’s Mom
  15. Bill Nye
BCS Projected Top 15 Humans
LOS ANGELES — College football’s infamous Bowl Championship Series ranking system recently announced its intentions to expand beyond football and begin ranking all human beings.

“We are extremely excited over the prospect of ranking every individual human being’s worth,” said Michael Jones, chair of the BCS Presidential Oversight Committee. “This is an exciting opportunity for us to expand our market share beyond college football to the entire human population.”

As of late, the BCS has come under fire from the college football community, especially from fans and coaches who feel their teams are slighted from the biggest bowl games by convoluted ranking formulas.

Jones quickly wrote off the football coaches’ argument that the ranking system formulas are too complicated by readily presenting the formula for human greatness which averages: body weight, American citizenship status, ability to make the advisory board a good sandwich and the amount of annual contributions to the BCS.

“This process is unbiased and foolproof,” retorted Jones. “A low ranking should not be discouraging; in fact, it should encourage you to work harder. Everyday is now a playoff day.”

The new BCS ranking expansion has proven controversial amongst some human rights groups. Jonathan West, president of the human rights watch group Bigger Brother, had some choice comments concerning BCS’ intentions.

“The last time I checked, we were all born equals,” ranted West. “To put a numerical value on a human being’s life is an absolutely preposterous idea. How is this any different than putting a monetary value on a slaves head?”

Bono of the politically active rock group U2 has spearheaded an international coalition along with Bigger Brother to challenge the BCS human rankings.

“I have been working on poverty awareness for so long, and along comes a group that wants to rank humans, and for what? All these rankings will do is encourage people to oppress others so they can flaunt their numbers around the water cooler on Monday morning,” said an impassioned Bono. “Does it make them feel better to rank wealthy, white humans over malnourished South African children?”

Jones, however, offered a strong rebuttal to Bono’s comments.

“Mr. Bono is just insecure about where he will be placed in our rankings, below Dee Snider of Twisted Sister,” explained Jones. “By the way, Dee is not only a better vocalist than Bono, he’s also generously donated to our new human ranking campaign.”
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