September 2006 (v9 i1)
Drinking Ourselves to Sleep Since 1997
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september Campus Spotlight

Robert E. coli

Do the folds in your leaves glisten for me? For my stool is bloody for you. Will you not wash up before your bacteria eats out my intestines? Oh, your crisp, silky, wet lettuce and loin-provoking iron-richness make you search for protective plastic bags. My heart yearns to pour undressing mischief all over your wilted appendages.

Turn-ons: bloody stool, kidney failure, Jack in the Box, poor toilet hygiene, petting zoos, pastures, “free salad dressing with purchase,” pesticides, dehydration, salmonella, and Swamp Thing

Turn-offs: antibiotics, “Toxic” by Britney Spears, wilted leaves, Croc shoes, tossing salads (into the trash), droughts, well-informed citizens, and Popeye.

“These spinach sacks are throbbing... with deadly E. coli bacteria!”
     —Spinach Monster
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