September 2006 (v9 i1)
Drinking Ourselves to Sleep Since 1997
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‘Having a big dick is hard,’ says campus-area resident
AUSTIN — Well-endowed financial-planner Mark Stevens privately regretted his larger-than-average penis last Thursday during a routine bathroom break.
“It’s definitely one of those ‘be careful what you wish for situations,’” thought Stevens as he painstakingly tucked his member back inside his Big n’ Tall brand boxer briefs. Stevens, who has been struggling with his sizeable genitals ever since he hit puberty at the age of seven, often laments his inability to wear shorts, ride bicycles, or even mow his own lawn. “And the ridicule I went through as a kid,” he privately recollected. “Always being called ‘Meatwagon’ or ‘King Dong’ or ‘Hugecock McGee.’
”From Stevens’ perspective, it appears that the gift of a large phallus is just as much a curse as it is a blessing. “What kind of life is this?” he later commented to himself after clumsily knocking another cup of coffee off his desk with his semi-erect organ. Stevens’ outlook changed, however, shortly before partaking in his second orgy of the weekend.

Rice pummels ACC, 52-7
AUSTIN — In a dazzling display of offensive and defensive prowess, the Rice University Owls football team completed a near-perfect game against the outmatched Austin Community College Kimono Dragons last weekend. “They should be embarrassed,” gloated drunken Rice fan Todd Blumberg after the game. “The only thing sadder than their football team is the fact that I spend more on laundry than they do on tuition.” When asked to comment, ACC student Blaire Compton replied, “We have a football team? I thought they were a gay support group.” While many feel that it is unfair to pit such unevenly matched teams against each other, it is becoming a common practice in the NCAA. “Clearly those people don’t’ realize how important winning is,” commented Blumberg. “Do I pass judgment on a 5th grader that visits neighboring elementary schools during recess so he can beat the shit out of some kid half his size? HELL NO!” Blumberg added: “ACC who?” The Rice team looks forward to the rest of its season, playing such formidable opponents as ITT Technical Institute, DeVry University, and The University of Phoenix Online.

» More Dirty Briefs

Freshman guys are horribly disappointed when the beard they weren’t allowed to grow in high school makes them look less like an adult and more like the victim of a terrible chemical fire.
Awkward, unfunny people will quote the Borat movie to replace their aging Napoleon Dynamite impressions.
White freshmen will feel bad when minority students don’t even try to give them a flyer.
Girl, he ain’t gonna e-mail you.
• Hey man, you live in Jester? Yeah, I used to live in Jester.
• Nothing bad will happen to that guy riding a bike, listening to his iPod, and talking on his cell phone, but your captivated stare will cause you to bite your tongue, stub your toe, and shatter your pelvis.
• Wearing your new [insert European city here] t-shirt doesn’t make me care about your summer.
Sorority pledges get very excited about crippling insecurity.
The lunchladies in JCL are capable of remembering which vegetables you want on your sandwich, they’re just too busy undressing you with their eyes to care. Pickles, Lettuce, Boxers....anything else?
• The freshmen are really ugly this year.
Professors will give up on trying to inspire their students when they see one wearing a “Wish you were beer” shirt.
• Why do you need a purse if you have a backpack?
Freshmen will discover the only thing more stressful than midterms are false positives on pregnancy tests.
Plans to make this your best semester ever have already grossly derailed.
Dorm parties are exactly the same as real parties, just without the beer, space or fun.
Boyfriends who play with their girlfriend’s hair aren’t actually as affectionate as they are gay.
Students who dine at the Union will see the terrifying image of the new anime Bevo every time they close their eyes.
Professors with British accents also own feather quills, corsets, monocles, tophats, knickers, and indentured servants.
Impatient bitches who knock on the doors of occupied bathroom stalls are asking to get knocked down the East Mall staircases and chased back up to the top with the toilet I ripped out of the wall.
Students who Q-drop their classes never read The Little Engine That Could.

We’re back from summer vay-kay guys, and what a summer it was! Now it’s back to school, and we’ve got more dirty secrets than the lining of your bikini. Speaking of bikinis, freshman Lilly Kirkberg hasn’t been able to fit into her’s since she discovered Chicken-Fried Steak Night at Kinsolving Cafeteria. It looks like she’s traded her bikini line for the buffet line!

» more

Freshman still glad he’s not living in the dorms
CAMPUS — Freshman Matt Trowley recently paid his first month’s rent at his off-campus apartment, which he selected as a better alternative to living in a dorm. “Man, no way was I going to spend my first year in college in a glorified jail cell with some loser who listens to techno music all night,” explained Trowley.... » more

Famed ‘Stingray Hunter’ savagely eaten by crocodile
CAMPUS — Famed Australian conservationist and television personality Jeeves Gurkin was brutally eaten alive Tuesday by a crocodile while filming his new documentary, The World’s Deadliest Reptiles. Gurkin was world-renowned for his exuberant The Stingray Hunter series of documentaries featuring the disruption of natural habitats, eating at Outback Steakhouse, and bare-knuckles stingray wrestling.... » more

English major gives up on dreams, teaches
AUSTIN — Junior Kristin Fellows decided to enroll in a teaching certi-fication program in addition to her English major. Fellows describes the decision as a “safety net” in case her dreams of being a Pulitzer Prize winner or book editor fall through.... » more

’N Sync’s Chris Kirkpatrick: ‘I’m Still Alive’
JACKSONVILLE, FL — Chris Kirk-patrick, former member of the popu-lar boy band ’N Sync, announced that he was still alive in a press conference last Thursday.... » more

Bad dancer making sexy leave
AUSTIN — In a scene that most considered disgraceful and vomit-inducing, Kelly Gerrick evicted any semblance of sex appeal from the dance floor of Exodus, a popular Sixth Street venue. The incident oc-curred early Saturday morning dur-ing the hit song SexyBack, in which Justin Timberlake claims to single-handedly reintroduce “sexy” to the general populace.... » more
Mideast Fashion Crisis!

Other things John Mark Karr has confessed to killing

Carlos Mencia’s ‘comedy’ crosses borders...

The Planets

The Weed Wizard’s Guide to UT Archetypes


Editorial Cartoon

My opinion is extremelyimportant
David Strauss
Editorials are a waste of space
Kathryn Edwards
News Editor
Who’s ready for mixed drinks and card games during Friday’s lock-in?
Edward (but call me Ed!)
Church Youth Minister
I’m only trying to anticipate your needs!
The Facebook
Guest Columnist
Herpes simplex is something to stress about
Victoria Jensen
Model of Chastity
Travesty men: seriously don’t care
Bradley Jackson
Features Editor
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