• Freshman guys are horribly disappointed when the beard they weren’t allowed to grow in high school makes them look less like an adult and more like the victim of a terrible chemical fire.
• Awkward, unfunny people will quote the Borat movie to replace their aging Napoleon Dynamite impressions.
• White freshmen will feel bad when minority students don’t even try to give them a flyer.
• Girl, he ain’t gonna e-mail you.
• Hey man, you live in Jester? Yeah, I used to live in Jester.
• Nothing bad will happen to that guy riding a bike, listening to his iPod, and talking on his cell phone, but your captivated stare will cause you to bite your tongue, stub your toe, and shatter your pelvis.
• Wearing your new [insert European city here] t-shirt doesn’t make me care about your summer.
• Sorority pledges get very excited about crippling insecurity.
• The lunchladies in JCL are capable of remembering which vegetables you want on your sandwich, they’re just too busy undressing you with their eyes to care. Pickles, Lettuce, Boxers....anything else?
• The freshmen are really ugly this year.
• Professors will give up on trying to inspire their students when they see one wearing a “Wish you were beer” shirt.
• Why do you need a purse if you have a backpack?
• Freshmen will discover the only thing more stressful than midterms are false positives on pregnancy tests.
• Plans to make this your best semester ever have already grossly derailed.
• Dorm parties are exactly the same as real parties, just without the beer, space or fun.
• Boyfriends who play with their girlfriend’s hair aren’t actually as affectionate as they are gay.
• Students who dine at the Union will see the terrifying image of the new anime Bevo every time they close their eyes.
• Professors with British accents also own feather quills, corsets, monocles, tophats, knickers, and indentured servants.
• Impatient bitches who knock on the doors of occupied bathroom stalls are asking to get knocked down the East Mall staircases and chased back up to the top with the toilet I ripped out of the wall.
• Students who Q-drop their classes never read The Little Engine That Could.
