April/May 2006 (v8 i6)
Crossing Your Border 1997
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by Drew Baelle, "The Hymen Annihilator"

The TEXAS Tragedy or something asked me to give them a DIARY of my EASTER weekend. Microsoft WORD kept converting my words to LOWERCASE so I wrote everything down with BLOOD on a bunch of NAPKINS.

11:26am woke up CONVULSING
11:36am PUKED on a pile of my STUFFED ANIMALS
11:42am woke up the CHICK next to me and asked her for my PANTS
11:52am decided I was TOO SOBER to drive
11:55am the GIRL said her name was “SARAH” and offered to DRIVE me home
12:02pm told the GIRL to stop at a gas station so I could pick up a MAD DOG
12:08pm bet the GIRL $100 that I could CHUG the bottle before she could leave the PARKING LOT
12:09pm took $3.50 in QUARTERS from the GIRL’S change tray and told her she could OWE ME
12:18pm got HOME and woke up my roommate LENNY
12:20pm Lenny said something about spending the last THREE DAYS with a police squad combing LAKE AUSTIN for my CORPSE
12:21pm NUT-CHECKED LENNY when he wiped away a TEAR!
12:36pm got some EMAIL about GRADUATING COLLEGE
12:38pm what the hell is a MAJOR?
12:39pm went back to watching MILF HUNTER
1:22pm LENNY came home with a KEG
1:25pm did a KEG STAND
1:32pm LENNY couldn’t hold my LEGS anymore so I STOPPED
1:38pm why do they only put pussy BEER in kegs?
1:58pm tried to build a WHISKEY KEG but I couldn’t use a FLAMETHROWER and hold my DRINK at the same time
6:35pm some GIRL named “SARAH” called and asked if she could COME OVER. We were almost out of BEER so I told her to bring a 24 PACK
7:08pm LENNY and I invited our NEIGHBORS over to play BEER PONG
8:11pm my TEAMMATE missed his SECOND CUP of the night so I FLIPPED the table over and told him to LEAVE
8:13pm some GIRL named “SARAH” came over with a 24 pack of BEER. I needed a new teammate so I let her STAY
10:22pm we RAN OUT of BEER
10:46pm finally COOLED DOWN enough to stop PUNCHING HOLES in the WALL
10:48pm decided to WATCH a movie with SARAH

3:52am went to bed after Sarah left. We had stayed up talking all night.
1:42pm woke up with the SHAKES
1:49pm checked my EMAIL before heading to the LIQUOR STORE
1:53pm saw the email about graduation again. Wrote myself a note to get a cap and gown this week.
2:24pm the LINE at the LIQUOR STORE was long so I SIPHONED GASOLINE out of my car to TIDE ME OVER
3:08pm started watching TV before going to 6TH STREET
3:11pm when did OPRAH get fat again?
4:24pm called LENNY into the living room to see a HILARIOUS COMMERCIAL
4:25pm NUT-CHECKED LENNY when he looked at the TV! I’m going for a HAT TRICK
7:25pm PEOPLE started coming over to PRE-GAME so I changed out of my MOBILEHOMA t-shirt into my 2006 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP t-shirt
8:24pm SOMEONE offered me a SHOT of tequila but I SMACKED IT out of their hand and told them I’d stick with beer instead. There’s no need to get drunk before even getting downtown.
9:13pm EVERYONE started LEAVING but I remembered that I’d PROMISED to spend time with Sarah that night.
11:32pm Went to SLEEP after eating dinner with Sarah. I have an EARLY class on Fridays.

9:26am RECEIVED a BILL from a hospital in LAS VEGAS. When was I in Nevada?
9:58am Saw a kid asleep in the bushes outside of his apartment complex. What a degenerate!
10:02am My professor claimed that he had never seen me in class before. He wouldn’t let me stay until I showed him a printout of my schedule.
11:26am Some girl on campus screamed “ASSHOLE!” and threw her soda at me. I guess she mistook me for someone else.
12:55pm Finished taking my graduation pictures at a photography studio. The smart-aleck photographer recommended I put “Drewski” on the name portion, but I insisted on using my real name.
4:26pm Started getting dressed for dinner with Sarah and her parents.
6:25pm Arrived at the restaurant. The waiter told me they were out of Diet Coke so I told him to GO FUCK HIMSELF
6:26pm Everyone became silent and stared at me. I wasn’t sure what prompted me to exclaim such a thing, but I apologized profusely and told the waiter that Diet Pepsi would be fine. How strange.
7:22pm Sarah’s father offered me a position at his architecture firm next year with great benefits and a very generous retirement contribution plan!
8:10pm Got home and changed. Lenny offered me a beer, but I declined – it’s not too early to start studying for finals.
9:47pm Some stranger called out my name on the way to the UGL and asked if he’d see me at the Library on 6th tonight. I told him that I wasn’t aware they had built a UT library that far South, but in any event I’d be at the UGL. He seemed perplexed and walked away.
1:26am Arrived home from the UGL only to find Lenny asleep on the floor with “HASSELHOFF” written on his chest in mustard. That guy really needs to clean up his act.

That was my weekend. I have begun looking into purchasing a house once I begin working full-time and have a stable income — it’ll be a great tax break, and I hate the idea of throwing money away on rent. For some reason I can’t find any record of ever having a checkbook or even a bank account, so I’ll need to get that settled first.
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