• While walking through the West Mall, a girl will suddenly get her period and wish all the flyers being handed out were really tampons.
• Freshmen who have put on the infamous Freshman 15 won’t feel so bad once they hear about how many of their old high school friends have put on the Pregnant 40.
• No one will go the Madrigal Dinner, no matter how many posters you put up.
• The Not-By-Choice Virgin Association will be meeting in RLM Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, from 8pm until the end of their lives.
• Everyone will agree that Kirk Cameron should make a comeback, or he should just go to hell for the irony.
• When an artsy girl reading The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time trips over her patent leather Mary Janes, everyone will feel a little bit better about themselves.
• The Seventh Seal that signals the beginning of the apocalypse was opened the day rolling backpacks were invented.
• Eclectic tastes reflected through hair are not appealing—just very smelly.
• Elitist music pricks have yet to cut off their SXSW wristbands. We’re all glad their father was able to afford it.
• Flowers left at the MLK statue are not for the taking.
• Living at a co-op doesn’t make you artsy — it makes you substance dependent.
• Sweaty neck rolls will infiltrate classes. Just be glad you can’t see their haunch.
• Making eye contact doesn’t require a smile, Mr. Happy Pants. Take your glee somewhere else.
• The bulldozer in West Campus loves to sleep next to you all night, but don’t expect him to make you breakfast before he gets going early in the morning.
• Panic will strike once you realize finals are coming, your rent is past due, and you have absolutely no idea how many pints are in a gallon.
• Professors die a little each time you turn around to look at the clock and sigh.
• Computer Science majors will play Europe’s “Final Countdown” each night before studying for finals.
• In-class surveys never include a “You’re wasting my time” check box.
• While walking down the Drag, economics students will argue over which homeless person gives them the most bang for their buck.
• Students who participate in walkouts will question why their skipping calculus hasn’t sent tremors through Washington.
