 Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
This month you’ll change your native tongue to the language of love! However, speaking this language will force several co-workers to file sexual harassment suits against you.
Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
It’s time to go back to where it all began. Too bad your mom just got her tubes tied.
Gemini
(May 21 – June 21)
If it is indeed true that the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams, you should start getting ready for years of grueling legal battles, because your creepy and extremely determined neighbor just had a beautiful dream about stalking you.
 Cancer
(June 22 – July 22)
When you get fired from your summer job out of the blue, you will end up selling your forehead as advertising space for fast cash.
Leo
(July 23 – August 22)
While you’ve always tried to channel Ghandi’s teachings, this week will be especially poignant when a freak slip of the scalpel during your sex-change operation causes you to be the change that no one wishes to see.
 Virgo
(August 23 – September 22)
When that automatically flushing toilet doesn’t work right away, you’ll reach back to push the— Oh, wait, there it goes.
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Libra
(September 23 – October 22)
You like to create music as a powerful expression of the beauty and truth within the human soul. Yeah, you and the Ying Yang Twins.
Scorpio
(October 23 – November 21)
Well-behaved women may rarely make history, but considering that CPS is about to take away your children, it’s probably a good idea to start behaving just a little bit.
 Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)
Avoid omelets and penises this month. Your eggs have turned against you.
Capricorn
(December 22 – January 19)
Feel like an adventure? No need to go far! That serial killer you’ve been hearing about in the news is standing behind you with a bloody axe. Now go and run into that creepy, haunted forest where you’ll be safe!
Aquarius
(January 20 – February 18)
In an attempt to avoid West Mall hecklers, you’ll schedule all your classes on the opposite side of campus, only to find out that all groups have decided that the East Mall is the new West Mall.
 Pisces
(February 19 – March 20)
After an unfortunate incident involving a battery, cucumber, and two-toned shorts, your cat will never be able to look at you the same way again. |
