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How to be a Professional Complainer |
Need to be the center of attention? Don’t have any talent or personality? Become a professional complainer! With a little practice, your whine will start making you shine.
Hone your problem evolving skills
- You are the center of the universe. To help you understand, force your friends to participate in this easy, middle-school science exercise: You are the sun, and everyone else revolves around you.
- Read one celebrity autobiography a week.
- Begin forgetting that other people may have problems of their own. You’ve got way too much to worry about already!
- Respect your elders’ ability to gripe, groan, and moan.
You are so tired
- Remember: No one could possibly be as tired as you are. If your friends try to compete with you, that’s because they are liars.
- Be professional. Tell your friends you got three hours less sleep than you actually did. This is exaggerating, not lying!
You are so busy
- Remind yourself that you are the single busiest person who has ever existed on the face of the planet. Then remind everyone how busy you are: your friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your parents, your Facebook and MySpace buddies, your pet, your local grocer, telemarketers, and knife salesmen.
- Evalutate your time. For example: Do you even have time to be reading this How To guide? (You don’t.)
Unleashing your new personality on this unforgiving world
- Don’t be creative. Discuss the same issues that everyone has as if yours are different. Because they are.
- Whenever you complain, don’t pay attention to who you’re talking to. This way, the same person might get to hear the same thing twice. Lucky them!
Tips
- Practice makes perfect. So be sure to interrupt your friends while they are working or sleeping to talk about yourself.
- There are no small problems, only small people.
WARNING!
There is no solution to any problem you have.
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