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april/may dirtybriefs |
Local baker tired of living cookie-cutter life
AUSTIN — Howard Dougherty, owner of The Flour Pot, has decided to sell the bakery that he has owned and operated for over 30 years. Claiming his “hearth’s just not in it anymore,” he is ready to retire from the business. “I bought that kiln when I was young and fired up about the bakery,” recalled Dougherty. “Now that the kiln has died, I feel it’s my time to go as well.” The store, which has grown an impressive following, has risen in popularity every year and has become well-known among Austin’s upper crust. “I stretched myself out too thin,” said Dougherty. “I’m not cut out for this fancy, modern crowd, but I guess that’s just how the cookie crumbles.” Howard’s son Pete hinted that he might like to take over the family business and stamp out a few other bakeries in the city. “If he wants to do that, it’s fine,” said Howard. “I just hope he realizes there’s more to life than making dough.”
Stand-up comic’s material untrue
LOS ANGELES — Comedian Jimmy Froy fled from an impending mob at the Yuk-Yuk Room Friday evening after audience members discovered Froy’s material was “only partially accurate.” Froy told humorous accounts of his adjustment to becoming a “balding, broke bachelor” after breaking up with his “Craigslist-addicted girlfriend” Marcy Hill. However, when Froy was caught kissing Hill beside his BMW after the show, furious audience members spoke out in disgust. “Not only is he still with his girlfriend, he’s also not poor! I paid money to laugh, not to be brainwashed with lies,” ranted patron Rachael Mills. “Before I found out Froy was full of shit, I really thought he was a funny guy,” said Bill Martin. “But now that I know that he doesn’t drive a ’93 Geo Metro that’s constantly breaking down, I take back all my laughs, chuckles, and guffaws.” Froy was not available for comment but will be performing this Thursday at Chuckle City.
Baseball player still at first base
PORTLAND — Carson Rossman, leadoff batter for the Garrison High Gators JV baseball team, made an impressive dash for first base during the city playoffs against archrival Hermanville High. “I slid into first early in the fourth inning, but it’s already the bottom of the fourth and I’m still here,” bemoaned Rossman, preparing for a mad dash to second base. Watching Rossman from the bleachers, girlfriend Stacy Klein rhythmically coaxed him to be patient at first base. “I don’t want him at second just yet — he can stick it out a little while longer,” explained Klein, idly fantasizing about a double header. Following the game, Rossman commented: “I didn’t strike out, but some triple play or a grand slam would’ve been nice, if you know what I’m saying.”
Viewers protest The Food Network’s plans to film ‘Iron Chef: Sudan’
NEW YORK — After experiencing success with the latest Iron Chef spin-off, Iron Chef: America, The Food Network made public its plans to begin filming new episodes in Sudan in front of a live, predominantly native audience. “We just feel that it’s time to trek into a wilder territory,” said George Respin, Food Network CEO. “Spin-offs have worked well in other regions, so we decided to take the show to a new hot-bed of culinary excellence.” Despite his enthusiasm, critics quickly gathered outside Food Network headquarters to protest the new series. “There are over four million starving people in that region of Africa!” shouted protestor Jonathan Green. “To film this kind of show in front of a live audience is completely ignorant and insensitive to the starving Sudanese children.” Although Respin claimed the protest was “without merit,” controversy has already surrounded the filming of the pilot episode, in which a judge was speared and eaten by a cannibalistic tribe invited to compete against Red Cross aid workers.
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