Dear Student Athletes,
I haven’t been back to school since spring break. I have absolutely no notes, and for the past month and a half I’ve been living off of the following things: Camel Reds, 99-cent monster tacos, blow, handles of McCormick’s Vodka, the sweet love of girls with low self-esteem, blow, Awesome Blossoms, shrimp flavored Ramen, my parents’ money, and blow. Holy crap. Where should I begin?
James, philosophy sophomore
Jim,
Just bring your professor some Kleenex for extra credit. You’ll be fine, seriously. Heck, just tell the professor you’re gonna score a touchdown for a sick kid. Don’t matter either way, people know your name.
- Student Athletes
Dear Student Athletes,
I’ve got three finals on the same day, and none of my professors will let me reschedule. And to top it all off, I’m a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding — which is the day before all of my finals! I’m not going to be able to study at all. What should I do?
Suzanne, accounting junior
Suze,
Reminds us of this one game when the pressure was ON like Donkey Kong. It was 4th and 10, and we were down by 6. There was so much yelling that no one could even hear the snap count. But then Vince leaped over the defensive line and flew like... an angel. A freakin’ ANGEL, floating to heaven—whoosh!—and scored the game-winning TD.
Yeah. So just tell your professor a story about Vince Young. No worries.
- Student Athletes
Dear Student Athletes,
As team players, I am sure you will understand my predicament. I, too, work best in “team” settings, but my group study sessions are simply not meeting my “winning” expectations. For some reason, whenever I meet with random people to study for finals, they always take advantage of my typed, extremely detailed, bulleted notes! Will you please help me turn my study group into the “National Champions” of spring finals?
Thomas, business senior
T,
It’s like coach always says: “Offense may win games, but defense wins championships, can’t never could, no pain no gain SHUTUPSTITCHESAREFORPUSSIES, push it.”
Tell you what. Go get yourself a jug of Creatine. Call a lil’ team huddle, pass it around, get the guys pumped, get those mental muscles RIPPED. Gotta warn ya, Creatine tastes worse than a Sooner’s douche, but it’s worth it for that sweet A. Hook ’em.
- Student Athletes
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