April/May 2006 (v8 i6)
Crossing Your Border 1997
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Human biology major can’t wait to study a broad
by Mike Faerber, Staff Writer

The female body is to be respected.
CAMPUS — After ending a celibate relationship with his girlfriend Trisha Valencia, freshman human biology major Ken Longing is ready to study a broad — for the first time.

“Knowledge is power,” Longing said, nodding his head and chewing his lip. “There’s a vast wealth of knowledge out there just waiting for me to lap it up.” He paused, stroking his eighth edition human sexuality textbook. “This book goes much deeper than the seventh edition.”

While his major offers a clinical, straight-forward approach to the subject of human sexuality, Longing admits “sometimes, those extremely detailed muscular diagrams of the inner workings of the vagina make extra blood flow through my seminal vesicles.”

Shara Holter, teaching assistant for Longing’s 314C anatomy section, appreciates his enthusiasm on the subject.

“He stays late after class and shows up unannounced to office hours,” Holter added. “And his report on the erogenous zones, “The Human Biolo-G Spots,” was both tasteful and informative.”

“I just can’t get those sexy fallopian tubes from page 432 out of my head,” voiced Longing. “Whether I’m walking to class or staring at the teacher’s drawing of the mons pubis on the chalkboard, there is only one thought throbbing in my head: Take me to Labia City.”

Holter admits Longing’s “unquenchable” thirst for knowledge can sometimes be “disruptive” and “inappropriate.” She reports that during a discussion of the frontal lobe, Longing yelled a suggestion to study the“full frontal lobe” instead. Holter clarified, “This is, of course, scientifically impossible.”

Unlike Holter, many of Longing’s female classmates do not appreciate his scholatic pursuits.

Classmate Kendra Turner claimed, “Ken makes me me feel more uncomfortable than my stepfather in a wet bathing suit. Don’t get me wrong — it’s nice to get a little attention now and then, but he won’t stop staring at my ‘mammary glands.’” Turner flipped her hair and remarked, “Guess I won’t be wearing my favorite see-through shirt to class anymore.”

Longing’s class notes are reportedly full of graphic yet detailed drawings of various anatomy. Longing pointed to his notebook, stating, “Just look at this cellular diagram. It’s undergoing mitosis.” Next to the drawing was the crib note, “Oh, baby, I’m going into your anaphase!” Longing smiled, looked down, and said, “I need help.”

“I’ll tell you what Ken needs,” asserted Longing’s roommate Chris Daleman, an ACC student, while shotgunning a beer in his pajamas. “The kid is so backed up with school work. He needs to take a load off and relieve some of this stress.”

Longing, however, expressed interest in the exact opposite. Instead, he intends to study a broad in Germany, dedicating all his time to his overseas education. Currently, he plans to specilize in “the vagina.”

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