October 2005 (v8 i2)
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Sixth-year senior has never attended UT football game
Aberration of nature elicits shock, disgust from family, friends, complete strangers
by Elizabeth Barksdale, Associate Editor

Is this the dawn of the internally dead or what?
CAMPUS — During a lunchtime conversation in the Texas Student Union, Robert Feffer, a second-year senior and aberration of human nature, revealed last week that he had never been to a UT football game.

"I've always been too busy with studying or working, or, you know, clubs and partying, to care about football," said Feffer, seemingly unaware of the shock and horror shaking proud Longhorn fans who overheard his statements.

"After this dude said that horrible, horrible thing, the whole room went completely silent. Some people dropped their food, and I could definitely hear a few people sobbing uncontrollably," said witness Josh Newterflant, hugging himself and shuddering at the memory.

As the only UT student to never attend a Longhorn football game in 107 years, Feffer represents a malicious deviance that calls forth the darkness that lies at the heart of the human condition, said fellow Longhorns.

"I kept trying to get him to go," remarked one of Feffer's former roommates, who asked to remain anonymous.

"I even offered to get him tickets. But you know what he said? He said it was 'sort of lame' for us students to have to draw. Christ, what a freak. It's a fucking privilege to see our team beat the hell out of everyone else! We're lucky we don't have to kill for tickets — yet, anyway. Hook 'em!"

Feffer's family is particularly ashamed of his abnormal disregard for football.

"I don't understand it," said his father, John Feffer. "He's a second-generation Longhorn! His mom and uncles were Longhorns. One time we all drove over 400 miles to Austin to tailgate and then go to a game. But Richard said he was getting over the flu and had to catch up on biology homework."

He added, "I hope his biology textbook can tell him what kind of genetic abnormality provokes a son to forsake his family and all that matters in life."

Young Robert Feffer remains in his own little world.

"I just don't see the point of getting dressed up head to toe in burnt orange and getting caught up in the mass hysteria. At the end of the day, it's just a game," said Feffer, adjusting the UT baseball cap he has no right to wear.

"He's insane," said girlfriend Misty Botchtar. "One time I was saying how OU sucked, and he started talking about how they have a good program in economics or some crap like that. Completely ridiculous."

She added, "Of course, I'm only dating him because he needs someone to take care of him in his last days, before he succumbs to the brain affliction that is slowly, systematically robbing him of his sanity."

When asked to comment on Feffer, his 15 senior seminar classmates made the same reply, speaking in perfect unison: "Robert Feffer is terribly misguided. He doesn't understand school spirit. No good will come to him. The eyes of Texas are upon you. The eyes of Texas are upon you!"

Asked recently about his feelings on UT's sweeping victory over the University of Oklahoma Sooners, Feffer merely shrugged.

"Hmmm. There was a game that weekend? Yeah, maybe I heard about that."

Feffer will likely finish his double major in psychology and chemical engineering this May, after which he will hopefully remove his anomalous, shit-sucking presence from the University of Texas forever.
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