• Someone is walking among us with rabies after coddling a diseased bat.
• The guy in the dorm room next to you is training to be the worst bassist ever.
• You have so much to do this week.
• The Loud Breathers Association of America holds meetings next to you in class every day.
• People who walk up escalators really are in a hurry, so you should get out of their way.
• The fall breeze will result in the exposal of many skirt-wearing female students, much to the delight of their gentlemen counterparts.
• A government senior will despair at the thought of applying for full-time internships.
• Business students will demonstrate their excellent written and oral communication skills by reading a presentation off note cards.
• People who unwrap smelly sandwiches during class would secretly rather eat feces, which coincides nicely with how many of their classmates would like to drown them in a puddle of diarrhea.
• That classmate you like will never ask you out, no matter how hard you stare at the back of their head.
• Couples who think they're too cute for words will mistake their friends' silence for approval, when in reality silence is just the most effective way to hold down riotous vomit.
• Scholars will be amazed after an apocryphal gospel is unearthed during the renovation of Batts Hall.
• In every drab accounting student there's a finance student dying to implement a resource allocation project.
• Guys walking back from the gym with their shirts off will realize that they won't be able to pull that shit once winter comes.
• Introduction to Psychology students will feel uneasy about the mandatory experiment participation, but not so much that they will opt to do the research paper.
• Some joker who doesn't really know what "manifesto" means will be writing one in Metro, pausing only to stroke his goatee and look very austere and pensive.
• Dingholes who keep reminding us that more people are afraid of public speaking than death are about to have their second-worst fear come true.
• Fraternity pledges will realize that simultaneously vomiting and shitting is not just a funny idea.
• Students will fall victim to the age-old conspiracies of professors who schedule multiple tests on the same day.
• The way girls are acting lately, you'd think the whole University was on a synchronized period.
