October 2005 (v8 i2)
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I can really identify with Chuck Norris' character in 'Walker, Texas Ranger'
by Robert Johnson, Unemployed

This day and age it's hard to find someone to look up to. Professional athletes have problems with drug abuse, famous actors become alcoholics and politicians tend to have problems killing prostitutes.

However, amidst all this darkness, I have discovered a radiating beacon of light. A hero who defends those in need. A man who uses his superior martial arts skills for good rather than evil. A gruff, no-nonsense cop who can take out the trash.

I can really identify with Chuck Norris' character in Walker, Texas Ranger.

Played by action superstar Chuck Norris, Cordell Walker is a Dallas police officer who fights crime the only way he knows how: by beating up the bad guys.

With today's media feeding us all this garbage about how we're supposed to use non-violent methods in getting our point across (Extreme Makeover: Home Edition), I find it refreshing to see a man use a swift roundhouse to the face as a means of negotiation.

Walker doesn't take crap from anyone. Although his tacit demeanor may instill a feeling of pacifism Ghandi would admire, try hurting someone he cares about. You'll witness that surface meekness melt into pure, visceral carnage.

Often times when I find myself frustrated with various aspects of life, I like to think WWCNFWTRD: What would Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger do?

For example, a week ago a man decided he didn't want to wait in line to purchase his movie ticket. After I politely told him to wait his turn (like Walker would do), he rudely instructed me to shove my "suggestions" up my "pooper." I had no choice but to break his clavicle with my steel-tipped boots.

Although I was immediately fired from my job as a high school English teacher after making bail, I still feel as though Chuck, or Charles as I've been calling him lately, would have approved.

Walker's no stranger to the ladies either. The second a woman sees Walker, they know he means business. The piercing blue eyes, the confident gait and the epic beard all radiate a blistering sense of rogue confidence that just oozes sex appeal. Plus, all women want a man who can defend them with Muay Thai.

For instance, I went to a local bar the other night to shoot some pool and maybe practice the ol' two step. After about 12 beers, I noticed a young woman crying. I naturally assumed that the man next to her had made rude advances towards her, so I broke a pool cue over his head and strangled him with the triangle until the police tazered me in the groin.

It wasn't until two days later, after I awoke in a pool what appeared to be my cell mate's urine, that I found out that the tears had been from adjusting her contacts. Still, I feel as though Chuck would have respected my noble intentions.

Finally, by fully embracing his Native American ancestry, Walker reveals that he is definitely not a man who is ashamed of his heritage. Although I tend to find the whole Indian portion of the show a bit boring, I decided that I should seek out my own roots. After discovering that my great-great-grandfather had been one of the chief organizers of the Trail of Tears under the Jackson administration, I realized that, like Cordell Walker, I too had a fascinating past worthy of recognition.

Though some may view my fascination with Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger as "behind the times," I refuse to acknowledge their opinions. Chuck Norris is a legend who will continue to spread throughout time and space. And if anyone disagrees with me I'll crack their sternum with the top of my head.

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