October 2005 (v8 i2)
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Oktoberfest was BAD ASS
by Drew Baelle, "The Hymen Annihilator"

A few of my FRIENDS convinced me to go to this thing called OKTOB-ERFEST in this town called GERMANY last week. I didn't want to go until they said it was a BEER FESTIVAL and that the word festival means CELEBRATION. I didn't even know places outside of AMERICA had BEER until I studied abroad in PRAGUE this semester. Anyway, listen up because Drewsky is about to give you a GEOLOGY lesson.


7:32 p.m.   Woke up and chugged some ABSINTHE to make my headache go away. I didn't see a green fairy like in the movie EUROTRIP but holy shit that movie was funny.
7:34 p.m.   Took the EUROTRIP DVD out of my FIRST AID KIT and watched it.
8:24 p.m.   My ROOMMATE Lenny reminded me we were taking the NIGHT TRAIN to Oktoberfest in 30 minutes. We played some BEER PONG to calm our NERVES for the five-hour RIDE.
9:58 p.m.   Got to the TRAIN STATION and bought three emergency BEERS because you never know if they'll have them in Germany.
10:00 p.m.   Realized the PRAGUE train station is the one in OCEAN'S 12.
10:01 p.m.   Became FURIOUS because George Clooney is a BITCH.
11:26 p.m.   Got WOKEN UP by the border police asking me for my PASSPORT. I don't know what the hell that is but I showed them the tattoo of a BALD EAGLE carrying an AMERICAN FLAG on my chest.
11:27 p.m.   Chugged a beer because GODDAMN that tattoo is BADASS.


6:32 a.m.   Woke up and got off the TRAIN. We must have gone all the way back to AMERICA because there's a BURGER KING in the station.
6:40 a.m.   Some dude asked me and LENNY if we were a couple of PARTY BOYS looking for some FUN.
7:02 a.m.   Got to OKTOBERFEST but it didn't open until 10. I bet LENNY he couldn't do JUMPING JACKS until the park opened.
10:03 a.m.   That guy is in really good shape.
10:09 a.m.   Some lady told us we had to get BEER in a TENT. I hope this place isn't like the CIRCUS because lions scare the SHIT out of me.
10:13 a.m.   We ordered two STEINS of beer. I thought about BEN STEIN because that guy is HILARIOUS. Then I thought about EUROTRIP.
10:26 a.m.   I warmed up after CHUGGING my steins so I asked the BEER WENCH which tent had the HARD LIQUOR. Apparently all Germans are PUSSIES because this place only served beer.
10:30 a.m.   Ordered seven STEINS to try and TRICK my body into thinking it was DRUNK.
10:36 a.m.   This BEER is actually pretty STRONG.
10:52 a.m.   PUKED in a URINAL.
11:02 a.m.   Some ASSHOLE stole my seat so I put him in a SLEEPER HOLD and then threw his BODY into a PRETZEL STAND.
11:04 a.m.   A SECURITY GUARD tackled me and ESCORTED me out of the tent. I couldn't think of a good word for a fascist reactionary who values nationality and race above the individual and suppresses opposition through violence and propaganda so I just called him a DOUCHEBAG.
11:16 a.m.   Passed out in a PLAYGROUND.
5:15 p.m.   Got WOKEN UP by some woman screaming at me.
6:26 p.m.   Finally found Lenny in another tent. A BAND started playing some shitty JAZZ or something so I started screaming SKYNARD over and over.
7:12 p.m.   I got so angry at the music that I STOLE a TUBA and played FREEBIRD. My beer came after a minute though so I just pissed on a DRUM and went back to my table.
8:26 p.m.   A BEER WENCH brought me a bratwurst and I asked her if that was the biggest SAUSAGE she had ever seen. She didn't speak English though so I just EXPOSED MYSELF to her.
8:49 p.m.   Lenny said we had to go catch our train so I chugged a STEIN to keep from HYPERVENTILATING on the way to the station.
9:02 p.m.   The BEER WENCH refused to accept my DOLLARS for the beer so I guess it was on the house. Must have been a thank you for LIBERATING IRAQ.
9:07 p.m.   Lenny said to follow him closely because my concept of FIGHT OR FLIGHT was IMPAIRED.
9:08 p.m.   Lost Lenny.
9:21 p.m.   STOLE a little kid's bike and followed the sound of a TRAIN WHISTLE.
9:28 p.m.   Ended up at a TRAIN WHISTLE FACTORY.
9:36 p.m.   Made it to the STATION but we missed our train.


8:27 a.m.   Got back to PRAGUE and headed straight to a BAR because the train ride really killed my BUZZ.
8:32 a.m.   Holy shit is that a CASTLE?

Oktoberfest was pretty tight. I bought a sweet shirt that says OKTOBERPUKEN but I actually did puke on it later that night so I threw it out. I don't know what happened to Lenny because I had his passport in my pocket from when I was showing some German chicks how he looks like John Stamos in his picture. Anyway, I'm up in FLIP CUP. I hope you fruitcakes took notes.
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