October 2005 (v8 i2)
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Minuteman ostracized for liking Mexican food
by Kathryn Edwards, Associate Editor

Busted.
NACO, Ariz. — Dwayne Brewster was expelled from the Minuteman Civilian Defense Corps, a group of civilians that patrols the U.S.-Mexican border and reports illegal aliens, last Monday.

"Mr. Brewster fails to adhere to the spirit of this group," read a statement from the Minutemen. "We have no choice but to remove him from our number."

Brewster's preference for Mexican food was discovered when he reported to patrol duty "with the smell of taco on his breath." Fellow guardsmen Doug Howard then frisked Brewster, finding two enchiladas jammed in his right front pocket.

"It was so pathetic," said Howard, "He actually winced a little when we threw the Mexican taco-things to the ground."

An ensuing investigation searching Brewster's home revealed that this was not a one-time incident. Minutemen opened a closet door, only to be showered with ethnically Mexican contraband: a sombrero, sizzling fajitas and a tortilla machine.

Brewster, of mixed Irish-French-German-Lithuanian descent, was one of the original members of the Minuteman Project, whose manifesto argues that an influx of non-assimilated immigrants will lead to a perpetual mutual acrimony between warring subcultures in America. Brewster was given a lifetime expulsion, but calls his punishment harsh.

"Don't get me wrong — I still hate Mexicans. They use our resources, they take our jobs and they try to talk to our kids." Brewster licked his lips and patted his stomach before continuing: "But goddamn do they have good food."

The Minutemen have launched an internal crackdown on any Minuteman who, like Brewster, enjoys aspects of other cultures. The group's Web site explains with taut logic and insight the dangers of immigration:

"Future generations will inherit a tangle of rancorous, unassimilated, squabbling cultures with no common bond to hold them together." In short: "political, economic, and social mayhem."

Brewster has started his own club, The Civilian Corps of Defenders, with a credo that reads differently from the original group's mission statement.

"Illegal immigration endangers the American way of life. We have to stop Mexicans from getting in. But that doesn't mean that we have to stop eating their delicious food, especially chile con queso that always has just the right amount of cheese. Honestly, what kind of cheese is it? Because I can't seem to ever make it the same at home."

Brewster and his new group have explored the possibilities of extracting food from Mexico while still not allowing Mexicans over the border. They decided on a plan modeled after immigrant remittances, in which immigrant workers in the US send part of their paycheck back to relatives still in Mexico.

"It's brilliant, you see," explains Brewster, "One of our people moves to Mexico and mails food back to us. We get what we want and don't need any Mexicans. We still protect America from people who are just too different from us to ever belong here."
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