Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
You are flattered when your peers vote you "most likely to become president," but seeing as you live in Sierra Leone, that just means they want to kill you.
Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
 You become worried when your significant other discovers the saying "If you love someone, let them go." The fact that you two are trapeze artists may play a factor.
Gemini
(May 21 – June 21)
You will be involved in a pyramid scheme involving door-to-door encyclopedia sales after finally being cut off financially for being a seventh year senior.
Cancer
(June 22 – July 22)
Your love life will take a turn for the worst when your ex-lover mails you plane tickets to Chicago to appear on Maury Povich.
Leo
(July 23 – August 22)
This month will be filled with happiness, but that's only because you won't realize you're in a coma.
Virgo
(August 23 – September 22)
After skipping out on a check, your waitress will chase you with a rusty machete until she realizes what pretty eyes you have. |
Libra
(September 23 – October 22)
After being reincarnated as a dung beetle, you will discover a new life.
Scorpio
 (October 23 – November 21)
The aligning of Jupiter and Mars is of particular significance to you, especially since you are an astronomer and this is never, ever supposed to happen.
Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)
You're overdue for a vacation, and I know a guy who will give you a lobotomy for $50.
 Capricorn
(December 22 – January 19)
Nobody's gonna buy the cow if they can get the milk for free, so quit letting guys drink your breast milk — your baby hasn't eaten in three days.
Aquarius
(January 20 – February 18)
Your individuality will really stand out this month — along with everyone else's.
Pisces
(February 19 – March 20)
Now is the time to shine! Good thing you're a greasy-faced teenager. |
