October 2005 (v8 i2)
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According to studies performed by Health and Human Services, everyone is at risk for Avian Flu. Even if you run four miles daily, have lived in seclusion since birth and wash your hands after you use the bathroom — almost every time — the Avian Flu is inside you. HHS likens the flu's assault on your respiratory system to "the fury Osama bin Laden would display if attacking Jesus."

The study indicates that the Avian Flu will kill roughly 1.9 billion people — pretty much you and everyone you know. Nothing can protect you. Nothing can save you. No Tamiflu cocktails, no Cipro baths. This means you will be dead. Soon. This isn't a fucking joke. We're probably all going to die. You know how the dinosaurs are extinct? That's going to be the human race.


Symptoms

Taking a dump on clean cars
Using words like "pretty bird" over and over again
Perching
Eating food off the ground outside the Union
Taking the "Avian" in "Avian Flu" literally
Bathing in other people's backyards
Shitpee
Laying an egg after eating the chicken on a 747
Flying into Fabio's face


Things to do before you die

Swim with dolphins
Begin every day with a bowl of Quaker Oats to help reduce high cholesterol
Write your will
Visit the Grand Canyon
Start a forest fire
15 minute option: Switch to Geico
Snap into a Slim Jim
Try every drug ever
Rack up a killer debt
Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one's watching


Fast facts

It's twice as strong as a mad cow on acid.
If you pass it on to 10 friends you won't get it <---- this totally works!!1 ;)
You're not just eating that chicken you're eating every chicken that chicken has ever been with.
Hypochondriacs are 50 percent more likely to get it.
Everything the media predicts about this crisis will be true.
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