October 2005 (v8 i2)
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Ann Coulter refuses to apply rash ointment 'liberally'
NEW YORK — Conservative pundit Ann Coulter recently balked at directions on the label of a tube of topical ointment she was prescribed to treat an inner-thigh rash. The directions, which read "apply liberally to affected area, carefully avoiding scrotum," were decried by Coulter as "disgusting, left-wing, joyless sex propaganda." The acclaimed attention whore then paused to yell random anti-immigration remarks from her fifth-floor balcony before continuing, "This is the most no-balls, misguided, ball-less excuse for medical treatment I've ever encountered!" She applied only a carefully measured, ineffective amount of the ointment to a cluster of oozing pustules before smugly remarking, "This bleeding-heart attempt to usurp objectivity is even more pathetic than Clinton's presidency." Coulter then put out her cigarette on a journalist's forehead and yelled, "Deal with it like a man, you castrated beaver twat!"

Kim Jong ill
CAMPUS — Humanities freshman Kim Jong has been out this past week with a stomach virus. She is expected to return to class on Friday.

Interracial cop partners lack relationship dynamics, clever banter
QUEENS, NY — Jim Sparks, an officer in the New York Police Department, noted yesterday to longtime friend Harold Spencer that he lacked any sort of dynamic relationship or clever banter with his new African-American partner, Wes Jackson. "Wes and I have a surprisingly professional and courteous relationship," said Sparks as he deftly stroked his moustache. "We mainly just talk about work, instead of arguing about humorous race-related issues or the difference between hip hop and rock 'n' roll." Jackson, a 10-year veteran to the department, is described by colleagues as "sharp," "professional" and "by the books," rather than "garrulous," "reckless" and "over-the-top," as Sparks had originally expected. "I was hoping his loud-mouthed street smarts combined with my gruff exterior and rugged individualism would create a unique crime-fighting super force capable of bringing down notorious drug lords and crooked politicians," said Sparks. "But instead we got stuck with traffic duty."

High-school football coach aptly uses current events to deride poor performance
DAYTON, Ohio — Sophomore wide receiver Michael "Brownie" Brown received a harsh lesson on the effectiveness of incorporating news into insults after he dropped a pass that would have given his team a victory over their cross-city rival Briarwood. "It was a perfect pass," said quarterback Andrew Magee. After the game ended, Coach Larry Slaughter gathered the team and gave a post-game talk. "He told us that we all played a great game, and we didn't have anything to be ashamed of," Brown said. "But then he pointed at me, and said in the most sarcastic voice, 'Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job.' The rest of the team erupted into laughter. It was the worst experience of my life." Slaughter refused to deny reports that he intends to force Brown to quit the team.

Man 99.9 percent sure he doesn't want girlfriend to be pregnant
DENVER — While anxiously awaiting the results of his girlfriend's pregnancy test, 28-year-old Kent Matteson was almost 100 percent sure that he wanted the results to be negative. Although some boyfriends will wait more than a week to decide how they feel about a possible pregnancy, Matteson made his opinion clear just two days after girlfriend Meredith Levere's missed period. "Holy shitfuck, please be negative," Matteson said. "Seriously, what the goddamnedjesuschristhell am I going to do if it's not?" Levere disputes the accuracy of Matteson's speedy judgment. "I can't believe Kent has already made up his mind," she said. "I know he said a baby was the last thing we need, but all guys go through that phase." Despite Levere's optimism, Matteson continued to deny she was pregnant, repeatedly asserting the "error-proof" nature of the condom they used.

Army recruitment center offering candy, toy prizes
SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — A U.S. Army recruitment center in White Oaks Mall was criticized by local citizens Monday for trying to influence enlistment with offers of candy and toy prizes. "I know this isn't as bad as the place that changed people's records to let them join," explained Joseph Ramsey, a Springfield resident. "We're still mad, though — they didn't even give the recruits the candy and toys. It was all just some false advertising to bring them aboard." Springfield citizens, like Ramsey, were angered to learn that the candy and toys referred to were the "candy of freedom" and the "prize of serving your country." The anger subsided, however, when an army official confirmed that no possible recruits were enticed by the candy-and-toy giveaway entered service, as their average age was five.

McCain asked about run for presidency for 495,678th time
Phoenix — Senator John McCain (R-AZ) dodged a question concerning his possible race for the presidency in 2008 for the 495,678th time while waiting for his luggage at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. "I know you didn't tell Chris Matthews, but if you tell me I promise to keep it a secret," said Phoenix resident Austin Jenkins. "Are you running in 2008 or what?" McCain replied by telling Jenkins that he is focusing on the problems affecting Americans today. Jenkins nodded but added, "Okay, so if all other Republicans were to die in some kind of massive attack, would you run then?" McCain instructed Jenkins not to "overthink the hypothetical" and "focus on current issues," but Jenkins was not satisfied. Following the senator out to his family waiting in the car, he asked, "Alright, if the word 'eat' meant 'run' and 'the' meant 'for' and 'pie' meant 'president,' would you eat the pie in 2008?" Rolling up the window of his car, McCain responded, "Please don't follow me."
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