September 2005 (v8 i1)
Having Fleeting Delusions of Grandeur Since 1997
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How to Start a Rumor
Feeling heartless? Someone threatening the attention your fragile ego deserves? Bored? Beginning a monstrous, unfounded rumor will provide temporary fulfillment — or at least a good chuckle with Satan when you meet him in Hell.
Creating the Lie
  1. Pick someone you want to destroy emotionally. If you have trouble deciding, simply pick the most insecure friend you have.
  2. Is this your first rumor? If so, skip to step 3. If not, be sure to brainstorm something really juicy. Don't be afraid to let your creative side really shine. The lie should be something you'd not only want to believe but also something that makes you slightly uneasy. Skip to next section.
  3. For your first time, be sure to follow my foolproof "Emergency Rumor Generator" for maximum success.

Telling Your Fellow Gossipers
  1. Begin all rumors with the phrase, "Now you can't tell anybody this, but…" This may seem counterproductive to your worthy cause, but these words are actually gossipers' heroin.
  2. Be confident — but not too confident. A first-hand account is often suspicious. For example: "I heard Tracy got caught with a hot dog in her bathing suit" is much more believable then "I saw Tracy get caught with a hot dog in her bathing suit." Because, after all, would you actually associate with a girl who shoves hot dogs down her panties?
  3. Repeat the steps above with everyone you've ever met, thought about meeting or thought about thinking about meeting.

Wait to Celebrate
  1. Give it some time. It can take up to 72 hours to destroy someone's life.
  2. Avoid consoling the victim at all costs. You don't want your friends to think you sympathize with "that girl who deep throated a lit Bunsen burner for tickets to Dave Matthews and ten bucks."


Congratulations! You've just started your own rumor. Now go and give yourself a pat on the back before someone else stabs it!

Friendly Reminders
  • Only attractive people are successful gossipers. If you aren't attractive, please keep your homely face behind a phone and stick to prank calls.
  • Never claim credit for a rumor, no matter how great it is. If there are any skeptics, make use of the phrases "Nobody could ever make that up!" and "That is sooo crazy!"
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