• While debating a hair-thin point in a seminar class that counts toward his fourth consecutive master's, a graduate student will pause to re-word.
• Every senior has a bigger cock than yours.
• Your high-minded friends, who trifle not with matters of the mere physical, will feel betrayed by your deep summer tan.
• Nose pickers have fooled no one.
• Construction during class will be disruptive to your game of cell-phone Tetris.
• English literature professors can't wear their tweed jackets with elbow pads in this heat.
• Posters will defiantly slide off dorm room walls time and again, defying tacks, pushpins and all manner of adhesives while secretly smirking at their owner's pain.
• That one girl who always says "f-ing" isn't nearly so demure when she's f-ing whoever she dragged home from a party while she thinks her new roommate is asleep.
• Students will discuss the vast devastation of Hurricane Katrina in hushed, grave conversations while inwardly damning themselves for not getting wasted at Mardi Gras when they had a chance.
• Despite administrators' best efforts, they once again managed to schedule the first day of class on the same day as "Free Bible Give-Away Day."
• That attention-starved guy in your biology class will bring his motorcycle helmet to class everyday even though he doesn't own a motorcycle.
• People who bring all their books to the first day of class also have a better of chance getting into Heaven.
• New apartment residents in West Campus and Riverside will sleep with their neighbor at their move-in party and spend the rest of the semester studiously ignoring them.
• The next person who tells me Jester has its own zip code will get kicked in the balls.
• Sorority rushes will take campus by storm as they set out on their Blonde Ambulation Tour.
• One student will stop and wait for a University maintenance truck to cross the street, but he'll quickly begin to walk once he sees that no one else gives a shit.
• People with dimples have no way of showing anger.
• George Bernard Shaw once said, "I live for the day when uncreative dolts will start all their speeches with an out-of-context quote of mine."
• Picking your way through ivy and squeezing between overflowing dumpsters is worth the 10 feet you save by taking
SAN DIEGO — Last Saturday evening, 21-year-old virgin Alex Triphorn drank a Sex on the Beach, a cocktail made of vodka and fruit juice, but was too intoxicated to respond to girlfriend Janice Perry's attempts to initiate intercourse during a Mission Beach sunset. Though Triphorn and Perry have been dating for five years, the only Buttery Nipples or Red-Headed Sluts Triphorn has allowed in his mouth have been the alcoholic drinks by those names. "Every time Alex tells me he could really use a Blowjob, I get excited that we're going to finally have sex," complained Perry. "But then he just ends up doing shots of it until he's too drunk to get his wood up."
