September 2005 (v8 i1)
Having Fleeting Delusions of Grandeur Since 1997
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Dear Mr. Popular:
I'm a freshman at UT, and I'm having a tough time standing out. I try to make jokes, but no one laughs. I mostly stay at home and play Kingdom of Loathing. How can I be funny?
   David from Dobie


Dear David: Not unlike scrambling an egg or cooing a red-faced newborn, being funny may seem complicated, but with these seven easy steps I guarantee you the ability to transform any social situation into a high-fiving, knee-slapping, side-splitting, pee-inducing occasion.

Step 1Mock the status quo in a way that is blatantly demeaning yet incredibly specific.
Example: "Check out that frat daddy with his $80 Izod shirt and the bleach-blonde sorority girl riding his arm like an epileptic bronco. I'll bet you five of their STDs that when they're out tonight for dollar wells their inability to form coherent sentences will pervade the air like morbidity in a Nietzsche essay."

Step 2Use elaborate metaphors and similes that don't necessarily make sense. Example: "T-Dawg and I were at the bar last night when this old dude sauntered over like Chubby Checker sans the bow tie to ask if he could join us for a beer. I swear, it wouldn't have been so awkward if he hadn't smelled like Florence Nightingale on a Xanex/Night Train bender!"

Step 3Use awkward language to juxtapose your current setting.
Example: While at a rap concert, say (in a mock-English accent), "I do believe these dulcet rhythms appeal to me," or while at the symphony, say (in a ghetto accent) "Mah balls itch."

Step 4If you're at a dance party, either play the air guitar or do the robot. This is effective for two reasons:
1) you've engaged the other dbags in the manner to which they are accustomed;
2) the subtle air of superiority you possess while tackling these aged yet culturally cheeky displays will appeal to the upper-crusted echelon whose sense of irony equals their sense of humor.

Step 5Physical humor never fails. If you're looking for an easy laugh or an invitation to a dorm party, try falling down the stairs, slipping on a banana peel or smashing a pie in the face of a paraplegic pregnant woman. Also, if you're a dude, try to get your wiener stuck in an awkward place. Trust me, it's like banking funny money in the laughter bank.

Step 6Use obscure pop-culture references, hipster lingo and Spanish words as if they were simple vernacular. This potent and charming combination will enhance your diction, making you seem intelligent and funny.
Example: "So the other night I'm vibing to my Radiohead B-sides when my madre calls and pulls this whole Reginald Vel Johnson circa 1994 crap on me. It was whack like the Zack Attack, so I just pulled a Feldman on her. She apologized pronto."

Step 7Be hilarious in the classroom. If a professor asks the class a question, always give the most outrageous answer possible. Follow this awesome dude's lead:
Professor: "What is Milton trying to say about good and evil in Paradise Lost?"
You: "That it's beer o' clock, and I'm fucking buying!!!"

There you have it, David: Seven steps to a never ending supply of humor and friends. Once you've mastered these simple concepts, women will want you, men will want to be you and transgendered people will still strive for a peaceful coexistence. You definitely won't be funnier than I am, but at least you won't have to play Kingdom of Loathing to find meaning in your life.
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