September 2005 (v8 i1)
Having Fleeting Delusions of Grandeur Since 1997
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concerns and praise
from our literate public

Imperfect Indicative Adjective
I'm fed up. All you smart-ass college boys — and, sadly, girls — have been taking me entirely out of context. Just last week, I overheard this frat-daddy call a drum circle "gay." He clearly meant "retarded." GAY does not mean RETARDED, people! "Gay" means "homosexual" — and that's it! Sure, a hundred years ago, "gay" meant "happy." Boy, those were great days. Back then, you could walk down a gay street on a gay day with your gay girlfriend (or boyfriend) and have a gay lunch. But now, you'd get your ass kicked for all that gay. So get it straight — I mean gay. Get it gay: GAY MEANS GAY!
          the word “gay”
          not feeling very gay at the moment

Feeling tense with ‘Imperfect’
I'm offended at the word gay's use of me. I don't mean "uncool," "stupid" or "dorky." Having to do homework isn't "retarded," it's just a pain in the ass. Independent films aren't "retarded," they're just pretentious. And I highly doubt that the purple and green sweater Grandma knit for you last Christmas is "severely developmentally challenged." C'mon — it's obviously gay.
          the word "retarded"
          completely simple-minded

Oh, Happy Day!
Look! Hey, look at me! I'm a shimmering rainbow! A luminous faerie gliding atop a serine pond as if on wings of pure ether! Oooh, I love it when people jump on me and splash me all around and splatter my pearlescent visage across their sneakers and boots! Oh, and you, too, pumps! All varieties of footwear are welcome to prance about in my glorious, rainy-day sunshine sunsmile glow! Tee-hee, it tickles!
          an oil slick in a parking lot
          quite jovial

Yike and ike
Sometimes, while watching my worn VHS of the Tina Turner biopic "What's Love Got to Do with It," during the scene where Tina is crying in the Marriot suite after Ike has stormed off during a particularly bad blow-out, and she whimpers to herself, "I feel so used and abused," I can't help but cry a little. That's how I feel when I read your letters page.
          not going to take it anymore

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