September 2005 (v8 i1)
Having Fleeting Delusions of Grandeur Since 1997
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Yes, yes. A valuable addition to any kitchen. Right. Yes. Set it and forget it? And … give up a little responsibility to the, uh, machines — is that it? Of course. Life's a little easier when it's harder to burn your chicken … with all the rotating and the heat … dispersion. But, but … I digress, yes, and see … with less … respons…ibility … comes less … control. We set it and forget it and … and the whole world rotates around a 200-pound metal inferno …. So when the wheels come off this thing, we don't know what to do, and we'll be … eating dinner at three in the morning, and we'll … we'll set our watches by ... by the speed of the thing's motor, and perhaps dinosaurs will maul us half to death, and … and ... there you have it.
So this thing, uh, sounds and looks kind of like a … you know, a marital aid, but actually, well, it chops up your … vegetables, your various foodstuffs, and … yes. If you don't like broccoli, you can chop it up with pineapple and orange, leaving you with a … uh, smoothie, and you can't taste the broccoli. So we have … covert veggies … infiltrating everything … fruit, alcohol and, uh, lymph nodes? Who knows? Kids from Magic Bullet homes 10 years from now won't even know what broccoli looks like, but … but it'll be, uh, in tiny pieces … in air … and water … and what have you.
Wow! What is this? Yes, so it can straighten your hair with its, uh, thousands of little pins … which are very, uh, very strategically placed to control the … the kinks. Just imagine every single strand gliding through and then returning straighter than … ever. It seems to create an apparent paradox between the high-priced straighteners and this space age yet, uh, affordable … creation. The others merely … flatten the … the kinks in your hair, but the MaxiGlide slides through like a rip in the space-time continuum. That's, uh, that's as rare as an alien attack on Earth.
A vacuum that operates without a … human being. Yes, and therefore without the-the-the assistance of … human hands. This puts us at an existential conundrum: … machine versus man, man versus machine … a calamity that, uh, yes … harkens back to the old days. When will this ageless metaphor … cease? On the fifth day, God creates man; on the sixth he creates a robotic vacuum. In turn, man destroys God, man creates a robotic … vacuum, then … this, uh, robotic vacuum destroys man. This rotation — err, this cycle continues to the end … of time. But what is time?
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