(March 21 – April 19)
Life is measured not by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Try to focus on this every time your wife attempts to suffocate you in your sleep.
(April 20 – May 20)
Your parents always told you to follow your heart, but your heart always told you to listen to your brain. The truth: no one wants to talk to you.
(May 21 – June 21)
Usually, you and your conscience are bff, but admitting you found Dukes of Hazzard both intelligent and inspiring will divide your brain into warring factions.
(June 22 – July 22)
Go crazy this month — this is your time to let loose! It's not like they've overturned Roe v. Wade yet.
(July 23 – August 22)
Sick of conforming, you decide to go instead where there is no path. Later, park rangers will comment how they didn't know jackrabbits had a taste for human flesh.
(August 23 – September 22)
A professor will chastise you unnecessarily in class. Don't fight back. Just keep your head and remember that he's been dead inside for longer than you've been alive.
(September 23 – October 22)
Aesop said no act of kindness is ever wasted, but unfortunately for you, your airplane pilot is not an act of kindness.
(October 23 – November 21)
After reading The Wasteland for "fun," you will fall into an existential crisis that will last until you read Dr. Phil's Getting Real and decide to end it all.
(November 22 – December 21)
You will feel overwhelmed when you see all your favorite childhood television shows in aesthetically appealing boxed sets, purchase a season and then realize that you were entertained by it as a child because you didn't know any better.
(December 22 – January 19)
That Peter Gabriel song that's been stuck in your head will take on new meanings when he tries to seduce you with his sledgehammer in your dreams.
(January 20 – February 18)
A stranger will compliment you on the bus, causing you to blush and wish you had a real father.
(February 19 – March 20)
Under your breath, you will call every guy who owns an iBook a pussy after your girlfriend makes the claim that "Apple laptops are so sexy."