September 2005 (v8 i1)
Having Fleeting Delusions of Grandeur Since 1997
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Road Rash!So I was riding my bike down the road one day, and I was looking pretty badass, flying past cars on the road. Anyway, a bunch of hot girls were standing on the street, and I started checking them out. They waved, giggled and did all that other stuff girls do when a cute guy comes along. All of the sudden, I hit a crack and I was sent flying! My shorts hooked onto the seat and were ripped right off of me. When I stood up all the girls that were still standing by the side of the road and could see my huge, dangling dick. Talk about embarrassing!

Free-Fallin', Free-Ballin'!It was my 21st birthday, and instead of doing the typical barhopping, drunken extravanganza, I decided to do something different and creative. That's just how I like to live my life. I decided to go skydiving. One of my buds had told me to skip putting on underwear the day I was going to jump and pull the double threat: "Free-balling while you're free-falling." Of course, I took the suggestion. So I was jumping out of the plane with my instructor (who just so happens to be this totally stacked chick), and I noticed the extreme wind was causing my zipper to creep down some. I could feel the wind begin to punish my package. Soon enough, my cock is practically flying all over the place, and it's all small from being pounded from the wind. The instructor was laughing her head off! But somehow, by the time we landed, I'd grown a huge boner. Worst of all, I'd paid to have the whole thing videotaped, so my embarrassment and my gigantic manhood were both caught on film!

Donkey Dong?I was sitting around with my girlfriend's extended family after going for a swim in the lake, and the conversation veered towards politics. Her relatives were all devout Republicans, and since I moved to Austin, I've become an adamant Democrat. I was outnumbered, and they totally jumped my throat on hot topics like abortion, Medicaid and big business. They only won because there were more of them, and I could tell they had practically rehearsed their Republican rhetoric. I felt like such a dumbass in front of my girlfriend, who had always looked up to my superior political knowledge. Anyways, we had just gotten out of the lake, so our bathing suits were clinging to our bodies. Everyone could see my cock was easily twice as big as anyone else's!

Suck on This!Back in high school, I had a friend I liked a lot. She loved Salvador Dali, listened to the Cure and was a big fan of The Crow. One night I convinced her to come to the local synthpop/deathrock/batcave/EBM/darkwave club with me to see a local gothtronic band. We were totally making out and I was about to suggest that we enter the sway-pit when I noticed my black eyeliner had rubbed off, leaving large smudges on her face. I was so embarrassed that I choked on my clove cigarette, tripped over my mesh bondage pants and fell, creating a huge tear down the crotch of my pants that launched my massive boner into the face of one of my Vampire: The Masquerade friends. I swear that everyone in the room went home and cried themselves to sleep. I know I did.

Make Mine a Grande!One time, I was at the local Starbucks flipping through my Camus anthology and listening to the new Shins album. I had just put on my horn-rimmed glasses when I saw a sale on ironic buttons and Spongebob patches across the street. I tried to mask my enthusiasm by pretending I was in a hurry to get another caramel frappuccino, but instead, I pitched headlong all the way over the counter, splitting my tight pants from hip to knee and exposing my large, unwieldy, flaccid penis to all the snooty baristas who snorted oh-so-derisively. How embarrassing!
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