September 2005 (v8 i1)
Having Fleeting Delusions of Grandeur Since 1997
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Virgin drinks, won't have sex on the beach
SAN DIEGO — Last Saturday evening, 21-year-old virgin Alex Triphorn drank a Sex on the Beach, a cocktail made of vodka and fruit juice, but was too intoxicated to respond to girlfriend Janice Perry's attempts to initiate intercourse during a Mission Beach sunset. Though Triphorn and Perry have been dating for five years, the only Buttery Nipples or Red-Headed Sluts Triphorn has allowed in his mouth have been the alcoholic drinks by those names. "Every time Alex tells me he could really use a Blowjob, I get excited that we're going to finally have sex," complained Perry. "But then he just ends up doing shots of it until he's too drunk to get his wood up."

President institutes 800 number for reasons for remaining in Iraq
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Bush announced today that he is initiating an 800 number that Americans can call any time of the day or night for justifi cation of our ongoing military presence in Iraq. The hotline will feature several recordings of the president explaining his reasoning as to why withdrawal from Iraq is unwise at the current time. When an American dials 1-800-WORTH IT, they will hear a soothing recording of President Bush reciting a list of options, including "Press 1 to hear why today's losses are worth it" and "Press 3 to hear me say 'We will never forget the Americans who died on Sept. 11. God bless America.' " Some are already hooked. "I find the 800 number reassuring and convenient," said hotline test user Gabe McCowlerson. "I try not to accidentally push 0, though," McCowlerson added, explaining that this option leads to a rather tinny recording of John Ashcroft 's "Let the Eagle Soar" while the caller waits for operator assistance.

» More Dirty Briefs

While debating a hair-thin point in a seminar class that counts toward his fourth consecutive master's, a graduate student will pause to re-word.
Every senior has a bigger cock than yours.
Your high-minded friends, who trifle not with matters of the mere physical, will feel betrayed by your deep summer tan.
Nose pickers have fooled no one.
Construction during class will be disruptive to your game of cell-phone Tetris.
English literature professors can't wear their tweed jackets with elbow pads in this heat.
Posters will defiantly slide off dorm room walls time and again, defying tacks, pushpins and all manner of adhesives while secretly smirking at their owner's pain.
That one girl who always says "f-ing" isn't nearly so demure when she's f-ing whoever she dragged home from a party while she thinks her new roommate is asleep.
Students will discuss the vast devastation of Hurricane Katrina in hushed, grave conversations while inwardly damning themselves for not getting wasted at Mardi Gras when they had a chance.
Despite administrators' best efforts, they once again managed to schedule the first day of class on the same day as "Free Bible Give-Away Day."
That attention-starved guy in your biology class will bring his motorcycle helmet to class everyday even though he doesn't own a motorcycle.
People who bring all their books to the first day of class also have a better of chance getting into Heaven.
New apartment residents in West Campus and Riverside will sleep with their neighbor at their move-in party and spend the rest of the semester studiously ignoring them.
The next person who tells me Jester has its own zip code will get kicked in the balls.
Sorority rushes will take campus by storm as they set out on their Blonde Ambulation Tour.
One student will stop and wait for a University maintenance truck to cross the street, but he'll quickly begin to walk once he sees that no one else gives a shit.
People with dimples have no way of showing anger.
George Bernard Shaw once said, "I live for the day when uncreative dolts will start all their speeches with an out-of-context quote of mine."
Picking your way through ivy and squeezing between overflowing dumpsters is worth the 10 feet you save by taking

How will Katrina affect the Holloway investigation?
ARUBA — As mere thousands on the Gulf Coast deal with the aftermath of a fairly large storm, one mother in Aruba is still trying to find the answer to a question that resonates more directly, more poignantly, with millions more: What happened to Natalee Holloway...? » more

Financially dependent student scoffs at living with parents
CAMPUS — As freshman Kyle Beeman fastened the last remaining bed suspender to his Jester West dormitory mattress, he officially began his new, self-sufficient life at college.... » more

Guitar still unlearned in junior's closet
WEST CAMPUS — Reaching for a pair of old tennis shoes, Pete McDison gave a glancing blow to his acoustic Ibanez, sending a noisy jolt reverberating through the apartment. Th edetuned twang echoed in his ears, reminding him of more enthusiastic days.... » more

Engagement ring costs arm, leg
HARTFORD, Conn. — After a romantic dinner, 26-year-old Josh Wilson proposed to girlfriend Melanie Grabel with a sparkling, three-carat diamond engagement ring, causing her eyes to light up with the kind of joy that someone like Angolan diamond miner Azekel Kimuezo may never experience in his miserable, war-torn life.... » more

Enterprising students deliver
WEST CAMPUS —Sweating as he drags a cardboard box full of torn-in-half pictures, mix CDs and a 10-inch potted begonia, Josh Hilling finally reaches his destination — the third fl oor apartment of Mike McDonald's ex-girlfriend. It's times like these when he has to remind himself why he started this break-up delivery service in the first place.... » more

John Roberts added to Rorschach inkblot test
Citing his ambiguous politics and inscrutable soul, the American Psychological Association has added the image of John Roberts, the current nominee for chief justice of the United States, to the Rorschach inkblot test.... » more
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