September 2005 (v8 i1)
Having Fleeting Delusions of Grandeur Since 1997
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Enterprising students deliver
Roommates offer post-relationship booty
by Sara Kanewske, Staff Writer

Deliverance. Like the movie. Shut up.
WEST CAMPUS — Sweating as he drags a cardboard box full of torn-in-half pictures, mix CDs and a 10-inch potted begonia, Josh Hilling finally reaches his destination: The third-floor apartment of Mike McDonald's ex-girlfriend. It's times like these when he has to remind himself why he started this break-up delivery service in the first place.

Hilling, a business sophomore, developed the idea for a post-relationship delivery service after going through a particularly devastating break up with his long-term girlfriend, Jenny Michaels.

"People are always willing to deliver the good stuff — you know — the flowers, the singing valentines, that 'happy one-year anniversary' cookie cake," said Hilling, sniffling. "But who delivers the nitty-gritty, who was there to deliver the shattered pieces of my heart?"

Hilling plans to go into business after he graduates with the help of his best friend and roommate, Brad Randall. The two have hatched a scheme to cater to those who have recently broken up and are in the awkward stages of returning borrowed pie tins, gym shorts and dirty panties.

"People have everything delivered to them nowadays," explained Randall. "Books, pet medications — even contacts. Why should the DVD you loaned your ex be any different?"

The two are confident that the service will be lucrative, but have also discovered some immaterial benefits. "There's always going to be a market for this," said Randall. "But for me, it's not always about the money — especially when I deliver stuff to a hot chick. Then it's almost like some dude's paying me to get a rebound hook-up with his ex!"

"But I would never do that with Jenny," Randall said with a quick glance to Hilling.

The partners have also discovered some downsides to the business during the pro-bono work they have done for friends. "The girls are the worst," sighed Hilling. "They always want to talk about what went wrong, cry on your shoulder or they ask if they've put on weight. That was the only good thing about getting dumped by Jenny — not having to put up with all of that."

"We've delivered some pretty strange stuff," added Randall. "When Josh's cousin broke up with his girlfriend, she had us return everything he ever bought — even the last box of tampons he got her."

Their firm commitment to the business keeps them coming back, despite these uncomfortable encounters.

"The only thing that turns girls on more than the scent of an old love is the smiling face of someone brand new," said Randall. "But, hey, that's just part of the job."

Hilling acknowledges that he is not only the company's creator, but also a customer. "Whenever I find something of Jenny's, I have Brad take it to her immediately," said Hilling. "And I'm always sure to include the upgrade where he attaches a rose and sings Mariah Carey's 'We Belong Together.'"
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