September 2005 (v8 i1)
Having Fleeting Delusions of Grandeur Since 1997
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Virgin drinks, won't have sex on the beach
SAN DIEGO — Last Saturday evening, 21-year-old virgin Alex Triphorn drank a Sex on the Beach, a cocktail made of vodka and fruit juice, but was too intoxicated to respond to girlfriend Janice Perry's attempts to initiate intercourse during a Mission Beach sunset. Though Triphorn and Perry have been dating for five years, the only Buttery Nipples or Red-Headed Sluts Triphorn has allowed in his mouth have been the alcoholic drinks by those names. "Every time Alex tells me he could really use a Blowjob, I get excited that we're going to finally have sex," complained Perry. "But then he just ends up doing shots of it until he's too drunk to get his wood up."

President institutes 800 number for reasons for remaining in Iraq
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Bush announced today that he is initiating an 800 number that Americans can call any time of the day or night for justifi cation of our ongoing military presence in Iraq. The hotline will feature several recordings of the president explaining his reasoning as to why withdrawal from Iraq is unwise at the current time. When an American dials 1-800-WORTH IT, they will hear a soothing recording of President Bush reciting a list of options, including "Press 1 to hear why today's losses are worth it" and "Press 3 to hear me say 'We will never forget the Americans who died on Sept. 11. God bless America.' " Some are already hooked. "I find the 800 number reassuring and convenient," said hotline test user Gabe McCowlerson. "I try not to accidentally push 0, though," McCowlerson added, explaining that this option leads to a rather tinny recording of John Ashcroft 's "Let the Eagle Soar" while the caller waits for operator assistance.

President institutes 800 number for reasons for remaining in Iraq
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Bush announced today that he is initiating an 800 number that Americans can call any time of the day or night for justifi cation of our ongoing military presence in Iraq. Th e hotline will feature several recordings of the president explaining his reasoning as to why withdrawal from Iraq is unwise at the current time. When an American dials 1-800-WORTH-IT, they will hear a soothing recording of President Bush reciting a list of options, including "Press 1 to hear why today's losses are worth it" and "Press 3 to hear me say 'We will never forget the Americans who died on Sept. 11. God bless America.' " Some are already hooked. "I find the 800 number reassuring and convenient," said hotline test user Gabe McCowlerson. "I try not to accidentally push 0, though," McCowlerson added, explaining that this option leads to a rather tinny recording of John Ashcroft's "Let the Eagle Soar" while the caller waits for operator assistance.

Senior surprised course fees at ACC don't cover passing grade
CAMPUS — After skipping 75 percent of the classes for his U.S. History course at Austin Community College, senior Al len Michaels was outraged to learn he had failed the course. "How could that asshole flunk me?" asked Michaels. "Doesn't he know he teaches at a community college? It's not like it's fucking Harvard." Michaels made the decision to take his history course at a community college under the common assumption that it would be signifi cantly easier and cheaper than taking it at UT. Michaels grabbed another beer and continued, "I'm an electrical engineering major, why do I even need to learn this? I can't believe I wasted my summer at that stupid school. My dad's gonna be pissed if he has to pay for me to take that class again."

Elderly couple said to have lost respect for new cat
DALLAS — Within three days of George and Alice Fuller's adoption of Mortimer, a cat from Crittertown, retired WWII veter an George confessed he had "no respect for that useless ball of fur." Upon first arrival to the Fuller's loving home, George realized that Mortimer "didn't even deserve to be in the same goddamn room" as his Purple Heart, owing to the fact that the pet was "cowering and peeing under the bed like a total pussy." Other offenses included licking Alice's sunspots, interrupting CSI and waking the couple up at 8:30 p.m. While trying to figure out how to respond to an e-mail, Alice sighed and admitted, "Most days, I just wish it was Mortimer who would have ended up underneath the tires of that gosh darn pick-up truck instead of our precious Bandit." George finished his third nightcap, looked at Mortimer and added, "You mean nothing to me."

Youth in retirement community complain of unjust profiling by authorities
SUNSET VALLEY, TX. — Young residents in this quiet community with a large population of retirees are complaining that they are being unfairly profiled by the city's authorities. "It's like, not cool," said 11-year old Whitney Alderberwitz, one of Sunset Valley's nine residents under the age of 18. "We have a curfew, and nobody else in town does." Andy Rikervich, 13, said he has been detained by authorities while minding his own business. "I'm just skateboarding around the neighborhood one afternoon, and then I hear this siren and kind of freak out. I look over my shoulder and realize it's the neighborhood security patrol - two old guys in a golf cart with a siren on top." Rikervich said that the patrol officers forced him to "step away from his vehicle" and then questioned him in a manner that he found off ensive. "They were all like 'What are you doing so far from home?' and 'Should you really be on this street? It's about to be dark out.' Th ey said that my mom was looking for me, but geez." Sunset Valley security patrols deny all allegations of discrimina tion among residents. "We're just trying to protect everyone who lives here," said Ernie Hoffers, 67, patrol officer. "We don't draw distinctions." No word yet on whether the police plan to crack down on the recent string of sidewalk-chalk vandalism.
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