March 2005 (v7 i5)
Sockin' it to You Since 1997
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The Inseperable Couple
Some say love is the joining of two souls; if so, then it truly is a beautiful thing. But when such merging creates a four-legged, two-headed abomination that saps the charm out of every conversation and pets itself — heavily — in public, then love takes a horrific turn. Not that hanging out with this symbiotic couple isn't entertaining: If one strays from the other for any longer than five minutes, they turn on each other like lab rats driven mad by the cage that is their relationship.
The Physically Disproportionate Couple (King Kong Syndrome)
He's the lumbering giant who treads carefully among us; she's the wee spitfire who resents being asked where her mommy is. Society may have its rude questions (e.g., "Is that his little sister or his kidnapping victim?"), but this pairing finds comfort in the fact that, were they ever to be averaged, the result would equal one normal person.
The Assertive Feminist & Pussy- Whipped Bitch
You may scoff, but this breed of boyfriend really does care about womyn's rights. No, seriously, he does. And don't get him started on the rhetorical slavery known as gender-related pronouns. He even appreciates the Vagina Monologues, finding it a "brave, brazen declaration of female empowerment." On a completely unrelated note, he also loves the steamy nights of ass-slapping, marathon sex that he has with his feminist girlfriend.
The Couple Whose Cliques Are at War
And you thought Romeo and Juliet had problems. Try being the star football player with a secret love for the president of the Math Honors Society. He has problems tackling this dilemma as she tries to calculate how to make it work. With so many parabolems, he thinks about running back to the head cheerleader. Will Euclid's arrow penetrate his defense or is this an equation for disaster?
The "We Can Fit into Each Other's Clothes!" Couple
Living together will make life so much easier since they'll be able to share one closet. Let's hope for the both of them he never leaves it.
The "Half- Committed Promise Ring" Couple
He's a devout Mormon waiting for marriage and she's a devout tramp waiting for oral. Broken promises, broken hearts, broken hymens — something's gotta give!
The "Yellers" (a.k.a. "Greek Tragedians")
What's life without conflict? Boring as shit, that's what. Aware of this, the Greek Tragedians cram their lives with outrage, betrayal, scandal and other words you find on the backs of video rental boxes. These are people who manage to offend each other during makeup sex. For them, all of existence is dire. Everything is intense. Words must be italicized. Besides, if they weren't screaming all the time, they might actually have to get to know each other — and who would want that?
The "I think I Can Change You" Couple
Nothing screams love like when one person imposes their will on another, using manipulation to change their mate at their very core. Matt's not cold and borderline-abusive; instead, his death-stare belies hidden passion that is sure to surface after some one-sided cuddling! Suzie's not an abrasive bitch; she just needs a gentle touch to erase her current personality and replace it with a new, non-bitchy one! Granted, when this kind of stuff occurs between social groups, it's called cultural genocide. But, between two people, it's another matter entirely — it's amore!
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