March 2005 (v7 i5)
Sockin' it to You Since 1997
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It is your fault, and Daddy doesn’t love you
by Your Mom, Wishes She Wasn't

Hi, honey. How are you feeling? That's nice. Well, I know you're a little scared right now because of what's happening with Mommy and Daddy. So Mommy's going to explain it as simply as she can.

Yes, I see your dolly. What? Speak up. Yes, she's very pretty. No, I don't want to give it a ki—

Oh, just put the goddamn thing down, okay? Please be quiet and listen. When you were born, Mommy cried sad tears, and Daddy wanted to run away.

You see, Mommy and Daddy never really wanted you. We wanted a puppy. When we thought we might get you instead, Mommy had to take a special stork test to make sure. You know how Mommy and Daddy only go to church on Christmas and Easter? Well, the week Mommy took the stork test, we went to church every day to beg Jesus not to send you down from Heaven. But I guess even God didn't want you, because here you are, destroying my credit and keeping me home on Friday nights.

I know it's hard for you to understa — Oh, what now? No, I don't want to see your dolly. And get your finger out of your nose — it's disgusting. Please, just sit still and let me finish.

I know it's hard for you to understand now. But someday, when you're grown up and have kids and they're always asking for toys and hugs and to go to the doctor because their goddamn tummy hurts, you will see why sometimes I lock myself in the closet to stop myself from putting you in a trash bag and throwing you away forever.

But don't you worry, sweetie. Everything's going to be fine. Mommy will still take care of you. Because even though I would rather take a gun and send myself to Hell than watch Blue's Clues with you one more time, the police will make me clothe and feed you until you're all grown up and gone away, and I can finally be happy again.

Oh, that's disgusting. Don't put your fingers in your mouth. Oh, ew! Ew ew ew! Don't touch me with that hand! There must've been a mix-up at the hospital. Surely you're the illegitimate result of grain alcohol and a burro show.

Why is Daddy leaving, you ask? Well, partly because you wet the bed. But also because Daddy didn't really help make you. You were made by another daddy, but that daddy lives in a box in the park. Mommy wanted to live in a house, so we stayed with this daddy instead.

Alright, darling, I hope our little talk helps you understand things better. But right now, Mommy needs some time away from you so she won't have silly dreams about putting Clorox in your pudding cup.

You skedaddle now, sweetheart. Go outside and play.

Huh? Oh, I don't care where. How about that abandoned construction site? Or the abandoned well next to the interstate? I don't care. Just leave me alone.
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