March 2005 (v7 i5)
Sockin' it to You Since 1997
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My last name is my Social Security
by J. Everett Hamilton, Inside the Wasp’s Nest

My reaction upon reading the headlines opposing George W. Bush's proposed Social Security reform: hearty laughter. I thought one of my fraternity brothers had replaced my morning paper with the Weekly World News. After confirming that I was indeed reading the Wall Street Journal, however, the only laughs I could hear were those of liberals the world over; I suppose keeping Social Security intact, like robbing our corporations blind and bankrolling criminals, is just another leftist conspiracy to cripple capitalism.

Well played, my flag-burning friends! You're one step closer to never seeing a shaved armpit or well-tailored Brooks Brothers suit again.

Why can't people understand that Uncle Sam is a bleeding-heart fool? If I wanted my money to sit around and accomplish nothing, I would have invested in an English degree. I gave liberals the benefit of the doubt, though: having never set foot in a public school (or restroom, for that matter), I couldn't tell if Social Security advocates were stubborn hippies or just plain idiots.

I decided to conduct a little experiment. I taped a sign reading "free money" on my car and drove down Guadalupe with my windows rolled down. I intended to educate any curious people on the free money they could receive by investing in tax-advantaged retirement accounts. Instead of gratefully accepting my erudite advice, however, the mob that had gathered around my car grew agitated and demanded money from me. I threw my F350 into drive and let my cattle guard do the negotiating, fleeing the scene having learned a very valuable lesson: liberals are not human beings.

Sure, liberals exhibit some human traits — the ability to walk upright, for instance — but their fragile minds have been so contaminated by the likes of Bill Clinton and RuPaul that their collective ability to reason, their moral compass and their hygiene have devolved to sub-reptilian standards. Liberals are ravenous wolves that brutally devour the cash-riddled flesh of government programs, and Social Security is next on their menu.

Hey, I'm a reasonable guy. I understand that getting a big check from the government is appealing, but I'm no sucker. If I bought into every pyramid scheme that came my way, I'd be begging for change on the Drag instead of surveying it for real estate opportunities. Social Security is a Robin Hood caper concocted by Franklin D. Robbersvelt to reward the lazy and medically unstable, and I will not be party to a liberal free-for-all on my hard-inherited money. My congressman/uncle has been contacted, and I will fight vehemently for my God-given right to earn a healthy return on a diverse assortment of securities.
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