March 2005 (v7 i5)
Sockin' it to You Since 1997
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I canít believe you put that in your body!
by Ellen Johnson, Your Nutrition Major Roommate

What are you cooking for dinner tonight? Hot dogs? SICK! Thanks for ruining my appetite. Do you have any idea what's in those things? I read all about it in my nutrition class. You might as well just eat crap from the dumpster that somebody puked on! How am I supposed to eat a balanced meal of three ounces of chicken and grilled asparagus when I know you're eating hot dogs?

Anyway, I met this really cute guy today. I was in GNC looking for some new multivitamins — you really should take some, by the way — and we both reached for the last bottle of VitaPlex XV. His name is Jeff, and he's a vegetarian. How sexy is that?

He's coming over tomorrow for wheatgrass smoothies, so maybe you could steer clear for a few hours? I'm so excited that he's coming over. He seems like the kind of guy I can totally discuss biointensive organic farming with. Would you mind hiding your cigarettes and any foods with hydrogenated oils? I don't want him to know I'm exposed to that kind of stuff.

Wait a second — did you forget to buy those freezer-safe Ziploc bags? You know I need them to store my pre-portioned chicken breasts! It's like you want me to throw away perfectly good animal protein. How long has this hot dog been sitting out? Don't you remember anything I taught you about food safety? The Danger Zone is 40 to 140 degrees Fahrenheit, and you can't leave food out for more than four hours, including preparation time!

You know, you should be thanking me. A lot of people would kill for a roommate who's a nutrition major. I give you free diet advice, tell you how best to prepare foods, and what foods to stay away from — which is basically everything you eat.

Fine, go to your room and ignore me, see if I care! Now I can eat my dinner without looking at that nasty hot dog.

Ugh. I can still smell it. If you want to kill yourself so badly, I wish you'd do it in a way that was less offensive to me personally.

You're probably eating chocolate in there, too. Did you know that only 100 extra calories a day adds 10 pounds a year? I didn't think so.
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