March 2005 (v7 i5)
Sockin' it to You Since 1997
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Im seriously considering mugging you
by Anonymous, Wants to Steal Your Purse

An awfully chilly night for a cocktail dress, don't you think? And that vanity purse, dangling from your crossed arms like a piece of bacon, is an enticing treat for a man of the shadows.

You've stumbled into my trap, the shady downtown alley I call home, like a beautiful young fly twitching in a spider's web. I see you've come alone.

But you can't see me. I'm lurking in the shadows like a phantom mist. I blend into the darkness like a striped anglerfish, silent as a Sicilian nun, waiting for the perfect time to strike. I'm seriously considering mugging you.

Don't be frightened, my dear; I won't hurt you. (Unless, of course, you scream and complicate my mission.) You see, I'm not the type of thief who harms my victims. Sure, you might get a scraped knee or bloodied nose, but please realize that my only intention is to relieve you of your valuables. By no means am I some jittery guttersnipe trying to get my narcotics fix.

I may bark profanities and deliver a few sharp kicks to the ribs — please understand they're merely perfunctory. To efficiently relieve you of your belongings, you must be as petrified as a field mouse in the jaws of a ravenous Diamondback. As I draw closer, you glance worriedly over your shoulder but see nothing. I'm stealthy, slinky — a cunning mountain puma ready to pounce.

Please don't walk faster! That din in your ears is not the furtive footsteps of an eager thief tiptoeing ever closer — it's the pounding of your heart. You can't possibly hear me creep; I'm a faceless apparition traversing dimensions, melting into the brick and asphalt.

As I creep up behind you, I— whoops!

Oh, don't run! That crash wasn't the racket of a toppling trashcan! It was merely your overactive imagination playing devilish tricks on you. Or a cat! Yes, a stray cat dodging about in the darkness. (Please, slow down! I'm asthmatic.)

You turn a corner and stop. Sure, you've evaded me for the time being. But I'll catch up! Let the soothing echoes of my desperate wheezing in the dank alley assuage your fears.

As I limp deftly around the corner, I lunge towards your purse, speeding like a cheetah in pursuit of a young gazelle. What treasures await me inside your imitation Gucci handbag?

Oh, do let go! Relinquish, I say! I assure you, it's useless to resis— Garhhhwowow!

My darling, why did you have to tazer my crotch area and then beat me like an insolent malcontent? My intentions were not malicious. I only wanted to mug you.
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