March 2005 (v7 i5)
Sockin' it to You Since 1997
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Your Monthly Horoscope
Officially endorsed by the American Association of False Prognostication.

Doublestuforeos
(Samoas - Caramel Delites)
You should feel guilty about the meltdown in Sector Nine. You should feel even worse about the fact that it destroyed aholding room for babies and puppies.



Trachiotomy
(A New Hope - Revenge of the Sith)
Upon waking from a nap at work, you'll immediately wish you had chosen a line of work other than proctology.



Geo Metro
(Bubble baths - Cold showers)
The truth is always in the last place you look, except if you're blind. Then you're a liar.



Burninurine
($12.99 - $15.78)
Scientists will soon discoverthat you share much of the chemical makeup of a genius: 99 percent perspiration.

Narcissus
(10 - 7 except Sundays)
Much like opportunity, the DEA will only knock once.
Nudemanrun
(Whenever you're ready)
At age 42, you will settle for the fame and piddling monetary returns provided by your infomercial about bath salts.



Sorrowtears
(Tonight - Be there)
To the world you may be just one person, but to the airlines, your 560-pound mass makes you two people. With a bad crew cut, might I add.

Ridiculo
(Denial - Acceptance)
The best things in life are free, if you think the best things in life are poisonous tarantulas — because 20 of them just escaped from the pet store down the street.

Connecthedots
(Blink 182 - Maroon 5)
Friends and family love being around you because you are a child at heart, but this sentiment is complicated by the fact that you are also a child at bladder.

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