March 2005 (v7 i5)
Sockin' it to You Since 1997
 Jump to Issue  

Buy Merchandise

AIM Buddy Icons

Desktop Backgrounds


Ambitious coworker a 'real type A-hole'
Go-getter advised to 'go-get a life'
by Chanice Jan, Associate Editor

The pain of carpal tunnel syndrome is an
effective distraction from the pain of life.
LAKE OSWEGO, OR — After six months of exhibiting overtly competitive behavior, such as stapling papers with excessive force and not holding elevators, ambitious software salesman Jonathan Harding has been recognized by his coworkers as a "real type A-hole."

Type-A is a personality classification attributed to highly driven people. It is characterized by impatience, multitasking and the tendency to "put everyone's balls in a blender about when the spreadsheets will be done," according to colleague Neil Drummond.

Drummond was among the first to notice Harding's talents for time management and "being an all-around tool," observing that Harding's propensity to volunteer for extra work projects and to mouth-breathe on cafeteria food are indicative of his "type A-hole" personality.

"Harding and I started with the company at the same time. He's been grade A-hole material from day one, always shaking people's hands too hard and mumbling employee conduct code bylaws to himself," said Drummond.

Because of behaviors like perfectionism and "impatiently tapping his foot when you're just trying to make some goddamn photocopies," type A-holes like Harding often find success quickly in their careers.

"Last month, he was ranked No. 1 salesman in the division," Drummond remarked. "Which is funny, because he's been No. 1 SOB for some time now."

Many say type-A personalities are known to experience extreme stress and ignore anything unrelated to work. This can affect the people who spend time around them.

Russ Collier, another coworker of Harding's, remarked, "I think Jonathan takes his work too seriously. One time, I told him a joke about Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs, and he just looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about. What a sad, humorless guy. People like him make the work environment really uncomfortable, you know?"

Coworkers have also noted that Harding's exceptional abilities to create extra-colorful pie charts and "kiss management's ass" have made him a prime candidate for promotion and "a giant kick in the face."

"Oh, Harding's great," commented department manager Glenn Baumhart. "His nervous twitch can be a little distracting, but that man sells software like a motherboard!"

Baumhart chuckled at his pun before adding: "Harding's definitely become my go-to guy."

"Go-to-hell guy, maybe," muttered Drummond as he walked past Baumhart's office.

Despite the high achievements that type-A personalities often experience, type-A's can also be prone to disorders like heart disease and social incompetence.

"At a team-building camp last summer, Harding got really competitive about beating the marketing team," recalled Drummond. "It got especially out-of-hand during the human knot exercise when he dislocated an intern's shoulder. The poor guy was screaming in pain. It made Jeff, the synergy coach, cry."

When asked to comment on his coworkers' remarks, Harding frowned at the floor and sputtered, "Got no time! Time is money!" before knocking over a secretary and a mail cart to grab an incoming fax.
Back to the March 2005 issue
©1997-2006 Texas Travesty | Copyright & Legalese | Issue Credits | Texas Travesty Archives Home