February 2005 (v7 i4)
Counting the Ways Since 1997
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What sets Man of the House apart from other Tommy Lee Jones vehicles? Not the clever fish-out-of-water antics. Not the tough-talker-turns-softie plot twists. No, this film's got something unique: the express backing of the University! In case you hadn't noticed, Man of the House is a shameless hour-and-a-half commercial for UT and Austin, complete with a dopey Mangia delivery boy wearing a burnt-orange "Keep Austin Weird" T-shirt.

Yes, UT has finally sold out — and to a wrinkled old burnout, no less! So we gotta ask: What scripts did the University turn down before finally settling on this timeless cinematic gem?

Open Registration
A sequel to Open Range. Robert Duvall and Kevin Costner are cowboys adjusting to city life as well as the pressures of being freshmen! They have a beef with the Dean after stealing Bevo and letting him roam free-range with their herd. Whether securing their UT EID password, or figuring out how to add more Bevo Bucks to their account, they'll make you fall out of your saddle with laughter — that is until someone gets shot!

Crossing Guadalupe
In this slapstick masterpiece, college student and polio-recoveree Gary Millford has convinced his gym-rat girlfriend, Sandra, that he really is healthy this time. But in an effort to get her a comforting smoothie in a jiffy, he takes the ultimate risk and jaywalks across the Drag! Polio becomes a fond memory when he's hit by a speeding Ram 2500. Not only are his right leg, his jaw, and all his ribs humorously shattered beyond recognition — and the cops give him a ticket instead of the driver — but he has also dropped Sandra's smoothie! As Gary lies immobile with his mouth wired shut, Sandra leaves him for his hospital roommate, and he dies. Hilarity!

Under Construction
Michelle Mathers is innocently walking through the Six Pack on an average Thursday afternoon when a two-by-four falls from Calhoun, striking Michelle and giving her amnesia. Construction worker Frank Strong goes to the SSB to apologize, but after beholding her beauty, he convinces Michelle that they're married! Is it eternal marital bliss, or will this relationship need to be "under construction" when she finds out the truth? Here's a good indication: Michelle wakes up every single day to find a videotape featuring an explanation of her mental condition and Frank's identity as her husband. Oops — wrong movie, dumbshit!

Meaner Girls
In this hilarious sequel from the makers of Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, And Blonde, Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan) takes on multicultural sorority girls who refuse to accept her because of her skin tone. At first she thinks the girls just hate her freckles, so she lathers on the pale concealer. But when the girls are even more disgusted, Cady realizes that it's actually the color of her skin that's keeping her out of her dream sorority. So she turns to her most dependable ally: the tanning bed! Learning absolutely none of the first movie's lessons, Cady finally finds acceptance as a burnt orange person of unrecognizable culture.

The Eighteenth Floor
No one believes freshman physics major Danny Lylewood (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) when he starts having violent visions of a creepy eighteenth floor in RLM. His nightmares convince him that RLM was built on an Indian burial ground. All Danny's friends tell him that RLM only has 17 floors, but he descends into madness and is institutionalized. The only one who believes Danny is brilliant young psychology professor, Katie LaMont (Hilary Duff). Together, they start to uncover RLM's disturbing past and fall in love despite Danny's confinement in a chocolate pudding-stained strait jacket. Katie and Danny will have to battle killer lab rats and ancient spirits, but they have the weapon of true love!
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