• A 200-person survey class will fill students with feelings of smallness and insignificance; it's exactly like the Grand Canyon if the Grand Canyon wore 75 pairs of flip-flops and stank of bleached hair and entitlement.

• The Littlefield Dorm Virginity Gestapo will burst into a resident's room and douse her with water after she glances at a textbook photo of Mikhail Gorbachev ? a man ? for more than two seconds.

• On his way to Little City, a hipster will take insouciant lankiness to an insane new level of whatever.

• A TA and her student will engage in a clandestine love affair that absolutely no one will give a shit about.

• Lonely professors will embrace the concept of mandatory office hours.

• A disillusioned PCL librarian will sigh, reminiscing about the days when the people of her provincial French hometown would break out into spontaneous musical numbers and her future husband was doomed by a witch to live as a giant horned monster.

• People will walk in groups roughly according to race.

• The skeletal remains of a stripped bike outside Jester are not the hallmark of theft but of that weird metal-eating circus woman on Maury Povich.

• A brutal tickle fight on the South Mall lawn will leave one participant without a navel, proving that, yes, sometimes God does intervene to punish lovey-dovey shitheads.

• Towards the end of a history survey course, students of all races and backgrounds will unite in a beautiful performance of Make a Bunch of Shuffling Noise Until the Lecturer Stops Talking. Human unity looks to be on the horizon until a complete blockhead dolt sends us catapulting back to the Stone Age by asking a question two minutes before the bell rings.

• Fat guys in sweatpants have given up on life.

• An illiterate UT athlete will coast through college pretending that he can read, and everyone in his inner circle will pretend to believe him.

• Pedestrians will continue to serve as fun moving obstacles for cyclists in the giant slolam course that is the Speedway debike zone.

• Rowdy freshman boys in co-ed dorms will continue to be adorable and endearing to everyone who trips over their hallway soccer games and shirtless guitar-playing.

• People who walk on the left side of the sidewalk aren't necessarily British, even if they are stodgy pricks.