February 2005 (v7 i4)
Counting the Ways Since 1997
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Your Monthly Horoscope
Officially endorsed by the American Association of False Prognostication.

Copa Mundial
(Thirteember — Twentyary)
While making a bio-pic based on your zany life, Pixar will land another technical success when it somehow surmounts the challenge ofrendering your adult acne in CGI.

Hara Kiri
(In vitro — Ex vitro)
Rest assured that your roommate can't hear you sobbing in the middle of the night. Then again, how can he over his own laughter at the stupid faces you're making, you blubbering baby?

Bon Soir
(Paris 1919 — Amelie's release on DVD)
You will write a musical tribute to both the proverbial underdog'scourage and the act of miscegenation, entitled "Eye of the Liger."

(When Green Day sold out)
Van Gogh cut off his ear and became known as a casualty of creative genius; you will cut off your ear and become known as Crazy One-Ear from Apartment B12.

(Taint — Armpit)
Everything happens for a reason. The reason you are lonely is because no one wants to be around you.

(Textiles — Apparel)
As you kneel in the middle of a rain-swept road, cursing God for your misfortunes, you'll swear you hear a thunderclap that sounds suspiciously like "Teehee!"

Carlo Rossi
(Passions — Days of Our Lives)
Stumbling into your bathroom tomorrow morning, you'll prove affirmatively the answer to a question hotly debated at Mad Hatter tea parties: "Can mirrors wince?"

(When your mom was born — Mesozoic Era)
An associate of yours will garner widespread praise as a journalist of unflinching honesty when he observes that your mother is a bitchy cow.

Tres Leches
(Gilded Age — Roaring Twenties)
According to a pervasive societal view, you are what you do. There's no inherent contradiction, then, between your bronchial disorder and the fact that you're a hack.

(The last time you had sex — Present)
When you step up to bat wearing a uniform made only of lace doilies stitched together into a heart-shaped brazier, you'll be hailed as a Jackie Robinson figure for absurd loonies.

(Numidia — Phoenicia)
Recreational PCP use and model ship-building just don't go together. You will soon have the splinters — and the double-digit body count — to prove it.

Guten Tag
(Fievel Goes West &mdash The Land Before Time)
After moving back into your parents' house with your tail between your legs, you will wonder what did you in. Was it the habitual pot-smoking or the social stigma to having a vestigial tail?
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