February 2005 (v7 i4)
Counting the Ways Since 1997
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february dirtybriefs

Catchy protest chant plagues senator
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Joseph Biden, D-Delaware, a strong supporter of gun control, was irritated to find that he had a catchy pro-gun rights chant stuck in his head. Biden said he had passed several vocal protestors outside the Capitol that afternoon and couldn't help repeating, "One, two, three, heck! We don't need no background check!" to himself on the drive home. Despite several attempts to rid his mind of the catchphrase by studying violent crime statistics and tearfully recalling a scene from Days of Our Lives in which Bo accidentally shoots Billie, Biden was unable to shake the slogan out of his head. For the remainder of the evening, he continued to curse aloud every time he noticed himself saying, "Two, four, six, eight — can't deny that guns are great! Four, six, eight, ten — go back in and vote again!"

Dennis Kucinich hopeful he will be elected president
COLOMBUS, OH — Former congressman and presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich released a statement yesterday announcing his firm belief that he will be elected the next president. Although Election Day has already passed and Kucinich earned less than 2% of the votes for the Democratic nominee, the former Mayor of Cleveland refuses to give in. "Look, I tried to explain it to him," explained former campaign manager Scott Jacobsen. "But there's only so many ways you can tell a guy he's lost before you start to feel bad about it. He still thinks he can win, and you can't change his mind." Jacobsen looked around uneasily before adding: "If you talk to Dennis, don't tell him you talked to me. I told him I quit because my mom got sick." Kucinich's campaign stops include IHOPs across 22 states and the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards.

Selma Blair givesbirth to septuplets, yawns
HOUSTON — Blasé movie starlet Selma Blair gave birth to seven breech babies without anesthesia during an arduous, 16-hour labor, before yawning and flipping through a Cosmopolitan magazine. The 33-year-old actress, known for playing aloof, unresponsive characters in films like In Good Company and Hellboy, idly examined her cuticles throughout most of what doctors recalled with horror as an "ungodly geyser of babies and afterbirth." That Blair was pregnant in the first place came as a surprise not only to Hollywood insiders but to family and friends, who noted that the only change they had noticed in Blair in the past nine months was her early-morning tendency to make car-engine noises with her mouth. When reached for comment on the phone, Blair yawned and breathed heavily until the dial tone sounded.

Willie Nelson Blooms
AUSTIN — Thousands of people have flocked to Austin to witness the quadrennial bloom of legendary country singer-songwriter Willie Nelson. The rare event takes place over the course of two weeks at Nelson's estate outside of Austin and is a tourist attraction for botany enthusiasts worldwide. One of the distinguishing features of this orchid is its propensity to release an odor upon opening that is similar to that of a rotting corpse. The smell covers a 14-foot radius and lingers until Willie wilts, normally two weeks after bloom. At that time, the blossom folds into itself, the odor disappears, and Mr. Nelson resumes his normal schedule of smoking marijuana and writing music. The event is expected to occur later in the week and area hotels are already booked through the end of the month. Recently arrived in Austin, botany hobbyist James Nichols and his family chose Austin over Disneyland this year. "The wife and I were here to catch the bloom in 2001," explained Nichols, "but I had to bring the kids back to see this." Mr. Nelson could not be reached for comment as he has already begun to take root.

Men make eye contact while in adjacent urinals
AUSTIN — Zach Jones and Ben Evans experienced a downside to peeing in urinals Saturday night when their eyes accidentally met. The men, both 22-years-old, have since admitted to feeling "overwhelmingly embarrassed" after the incident in a local diner's restroom. "I was kinda off in my own world, doing some thinking and staring off into space, when I realized I was looking some dude in the face," Jones said. "It was awkward as hell." The incident was quickly followed by a hurried, "Oh, sorry," as Jones attempted to regain composure. Evans, who was just as unnerved by the situation, quickly exited the bathroom and rejoined his party. Jones, who had previously planned to eat at the diner, ordered his food to go.

Djimon Hounsou's heart is forged from
pure bronze.
Djimon Hounsou tired of being typecast as noble foreigner with heart of gold
HOLLYWOOD — Movie actor Djimon Hounsou, best known for his supporting roles in Amistad and Gladiator, is tired of being typecast as the mystical foreigner whose sense of dignity prevails over oppression and personal tragedy, he said Friday during a routine press junket. "Don't get me wrong — I appreciate all the opportunities I've been given," said Hounsou, his voice creaking with the ancient integrity of a Joshua tree. "It's just that I feel I've been painted into a corner lately." Upon saying this, the native West African squinted, causing crow's feet to form on his face, like tributaries emptying into the oceans of rapt wisdom that he calls eyes. "I just wish movie execs would give me the chance to show my range," he said, proceeding to lift those sad, selfsame eyes — shining with an understanding that can only be wrought from uncommon pain — and sighing, as if quietly harkening to benevolent forces beyond this world.

Man guiltily scrapes American flag decal off rear window
HOUSTON — Randy Clarksfield finally removed what remained of the faded pink-and-white American flag decal from his Ford F350 last week. "Guess that Texas sun is just too dang much for these stickers," said Clarksfield. "But there's just something about taking Windex and a razor blade to the American flag that don't make a man feel right," he added, shaking his head slowly. Not to be labeled as anti-American by other drivers on the road, Clarksfield has already purchased a replacement decal. With a tear in his eye he explained: "That flag is as much a part of this truck as the decal of Calvin peeing on a Chevy." Despite his attachment, Clarksfield realized that the time had come to retire the flag: "These colors may not run, but they sure do sun bleach."

TV commercial's orgasm innuendo anticlimactic
SEATTLE — Abigail Mathers admitted that recent encounters with TV commercials that use orgasm references as attention-getters have left her unsatisfied. "The first time I experienced orgasm innuendo was with those Herbal Essences commercials," recalled Mathers. "That was pretty unique and risqué at first." Mathers looked down and sighed before continuing: "It's gotten really old. All the moaning and wordplay don't even get me excited anymore." Mathers became hopeful that the phenomenal orgasm insinuation she had been waiting for would come when she saw a commercial with a woman talking about "The O." "But it took way too much time to get to the joke," explained a disappointed Mathers. "The technique was all wrong, and by the time the message came I was ready to go get a sandwich instead."

Exalted Monarch of the Universe tells off waiter
AUSTIN — A slight mix-up with a drink order at Barzini's Italian restaurant prompted customer Raymond Mercer, a 36-year-old H&R Block accountant, to reveal His latent identity as Supreme and Exalted Monarch of the Universe, Harbinger of Stern Verbal Reprimands and Surveyor of All That Is. "I said a root beer with half-ice, jackass!" exclaimed His Celestial Highness, as members of the Galactic High Court — disguised as His earthly girlfriend and co-workers — exchanged sideways glances. "Can you believe these people?" continued He Who Commands Vast Armies of Suns, after the waiter had taken back His glass for a free refill. "I'm not paying $9 of my hard-earned cash for bad service from these inbreeds!" After the dinner had ended and the waiter had apologized profusely, the Monarch wielded his indescribable might, achieving devastating retribution by leaving a 25-cent tip.
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