May 2004 (v6 i6)
Going down in elevators since 1997
 Jump to Issue  

Buy Merchandise

AIM Buddy Icons

Desktop Backgrounds


Policeman tired of role-playing in bed
Arresting ‘naughty’ girlfriends fails to sustain attention, excitement
by Kristin Hillery, Managing Editor

TRENTON, NJ — Twenty-seven-year-old police officer James Tolbert announced early yesterday that he is “sick and tired” of being asked to role-play during sex.

According to Tolbert, every woman he has dated since joining the police force four years ago has asked him to engage in intercourse while wearing his uniform.

“It’s the same thing over and over. Things will be going perfect with a woman. We’ll go on all these great dates and I’ll really start to like her,” explained Tolbert. “But when I get her to come back to my place, she’ll ask me to put on my uniform and arrest her for being a ‘bad girl.’ They always say that, and it’s not even a misdemeanor. Anyway, then we’ll have sex, with me as the cop and her as the criminal. It was exciting the first few times, but now it’s just boring. I want to have sex as James, not as Officer Tolbert. My job isn’t even all that sexy — it’s actually pretty stressful.”

Tolbert’s most recent ex-girlfriend, Stacey Tivelson, is still confused about her relationship with Tolbert, which only lasted two weeks.

“I thought he was a wonderful guy — so sweet and charming. We had a lot of fun together, so I don’t get why he dumped me,” recalled Tivelson. “God, we had the most amazing sex. We’d have dinner and see a movie, and afterwards we’d go to his place for some wine. I’d tell him that I’d been a bad girl and needed to be taken to prison right away. He would start reciting the Miranda Rights I made up: ‘You have the right to remain feisty.

Anything you touch or lick will be rubbed against you.’ It was beyond hot — I can’t even explain it.”

Tolbert’s male co-workers see their career as a great way to get dates, and they have come to accept and enjoy the kind of behavior their job brings out when they become intimate with a woman.

“James used to come to the station every morning looking like he had gotten about 20 minutes of sleep the night before, that dirty dog,” said Officer Ken Lanagin. “He got such a kick out of all the kinky stuff our uniforms get us into when he first started here. He’d tell us these wild stories — I guess he just got burned out after a while. I don’t understand how that’s even possible, but he did.”

When asked how she plans to get over her short relationship with Tolbert, Tivelson replied, “I guess I’ll just have to settle for one of those pool cleaner guys.”
« Back to the May 2004 issue
©1997-2006 Texas Travesty | Copyright & Legalese | Issue Credits | Texas Travesty Archives Home