• Bicycle riders will continue to ride their bicycles despite the increasing amount of anti-bicycle rhetoric in my journal.

• Student Government will pass a tentative pre-pre-resolution to begin possible talks to consider considering.

• Smart-ass T-shirts that say "Make Austin Normal" will spur more stuck-up suburbanite trust-fund babies to move here.

• The Co-op is comprised of and serves the students, staff and faculty of the University of Texas. According to their 40 Acres Fest headliners, however, we all like Durrty South rap.

• Engineering students will frolic around campus, giggling because they know what "Alec" is. Meanwhile, non-engineering students will giggle because they know what "sex" is.

• Sunbathers will forget that a lack of sunscreen turns you red, not brown.

• Do not bother the exercise zealots at Gregory Gym. They don't have time to do things like not exercise.

• RLM elevators will hold a collection of sorority sisters on their cell phones, nerds on their calculators and Nobel Laureates on their last nerve.

• A dorm room party? Be still, my beating heart! I'd rather spend my Friday night thinking up a punchline.

• People with giant umbrellas need to stop acting like they own the sidewalk.

• One out of five Americans is depressed. Four out of five UT students visiting the Mental Health Center are there for no reason other than that it's free.

• Student advisors will be happy to assist you with Q-dropping a class or declaring your major as long as they can make you feel like the dimwit you are for asking so many dumb questions.

• Space is the final frontier.

• People who wear their backpacks over one shoulder will continue to be stuck in the sixth grade.

• The Ruckus Crew will be driving around West Campus handing out insults and pralines, and they're fresh out of pralines.

• Mannequins in the windows of stores on the Drag are surprisingly arousing.

• Dorm residents who need to use up their non-refundable Dine-In Dollars will wish there was something else to buy other than Hot Pockets and tampons in packaging from the early '90s.

• Trendy girls are dating unattractive guys, mostly for their own self-esteem.

• This semester is almost over, so that means you don't really have to go to class.

• Seniors will fan themselves with their graduation caps during the commencement ceremony, in much the same way they will soon be fanning themselves with envelopes they are stuffing in their A/C-less apartment because they have yet to find a real job.