 I’m not fishing for compliments Do these pants make me look fat? Just tell me if they do by Samantha Martin, Self-Conscious
Hey, do you think these pants make me look fat? Are you sure? You’re not just saying that to make me feel good, are you? Just tell me, and I swear I won’t get mad. I need to hear the truth.
I don’t understand why everybody always thinks I’m fishing for compliments. I just want to make sure I look good. If the shirt I’m wearing makes me look like a loser or if the part in my hair is crooked, I need you to tell me about it. I spend hours getting ready to go out — putting on make-up, straightening my unruly hair, meticulously coordinating the perfect outfit to go along with where I’m going, and accessorizing.
And when I’m not getting ready to go somewhere, I’m working on my disgustingly obese figure. I’ve been trying to do at least 100 crunches and running three miles every day, but, as you can tell, it’s not working. Look at my stomach — you can barely even see my naval ring under all the freaking fat rolls I have. Oh, and you wouldn’t believe what my thighs look like — it’s as if a tornado hit them, and the only survivors were stretch marks and cellulite. No matter what I do, I’m always going to look like a pregnant cow.
Great, now I probably sound like an idiot. Listen to me going on and on about this stupid stuff that you probably don’t even care about. God, I need to, like, lock myself in a basement in Siberia or something so I stop bugging everyone. They would probably be really happy if I did that.
Yeah, I guess I have a few things going for me. I’ve been voted the hottest girl in my sorority for the past two years, but they could have just felt bad for me and let me win out of pity. Honestly, do you think I’m pretty? I hate how my lips are so little, and my ears stick out. Maybe I should get a job and start saving up for plastic surgery.
My stupid hair keeps getting in my eyes. It’s so mousy and annoying; I have to spend so much time on it, but it still looks gross. Doesn’t it look awful? Anyway, I guess I’ll stop talking, because I know I’m just boring the hell out of you. I’m such a dull piece of shit. What? You think this color looks good on me? You’re too kind. No, stop it! I don’t deserve all these compliments, and you’re probably just saying all this to make me feel better! |
