May 2004 (v6 i6)
Going down in elevators since 1997
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Iím not fishing for compliments
Do these pants make me look fat? Just tell me if they do
by Samantha Martin, Self-Conscious

Hey, do you think these pants make me look fat? Are you sure? Youíre not just saying that to make me feel good, are you? Just tell me, and I swear I wonít get mad. I need to hear the truth.

I donít understand why everybody always thinks Iím fishing for compliments. I just want to make sure I look good. If the shirt Iím wearing makes me look like a loser or if the part in my hair is crooked, I need you to tell me about it. I spend hours getting ready to go out ó putting on make-up, straightening my unruly hair, meticulously coordinating the perfect outfit to go along with where Iím going, and accessorizing.

And when Iím not getting ready to go somewhere, Iím working on my disgustingly obese figure. Iíve been trying to do at least 100 crunches and running three miles every day, but, as you can tell, itís not working. Look at my stomach ó you can barely even see my naval ring under all the freaking fat rolls I have. Oh, and you wouldnít believe what my thighs look like ó itís as if a tornado hit them, and the only survivors were stretch marks and cellulite. No matter what I do, Iím always going to look like a pregnant cow.

Great, now I probably sound like an idiot. Listen to me going on and on about this stupid stuff that you probably donít even care about. God, I need to, like, lock myself in a basement in Siberia or something so I stop bugging everyone. They would probably be really happy if I did that.

Yeah, I guess I have a few things going for me. Iíve been voted the hottest girl in my sorority for the past two years, but they could have just felt bad for me and let me win out of pity. Honestly, do you think Iím pretty? I hate how my lips are so little, and my ears stick out. Maybe I should get a job and start saving up for plastic surgery.

My stupid hair keeps getting in my eyes. Itís so mousy and annoying; I have to spend so much time on it, but it still looks gross. Doesnít it look awful? Anyway, I guess Iíll stop talking, because I know Iím just boring the hell out of you. Iím such a dull piece of shit. What? You think this color looks good on me? Youíre too kind. No, stop it! I donít deserve all these compliments, and youíre probably just saying all this to make me feel better!
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