 I never wash my hands It’s a waste of time, and I don’t believe in sanitation by Kristin Hillery, Managing Editor
Hey now, just because I’m being totally honest about my beliefs doesn’t mean you have to stop reading already and label me as a filthy person. I know for a fact that I’m not the only one in the entire world who doesn’t see the point in washing their hands after using the restroom, and there are some excellent reasons for having this opinion. I’ve thought long and hard about my decision to abstain from hand washing, and I know you’ll agree that not only is it a waste of time, but it’s a hazard to your health.
Think about the average public restroom for a moment. It’s nothing more than the fairgrounds for a parasite and germ carnival! They’re all over the place, waiting to go for a ride on your index finger or inner thigh and infect your insides with some kind of nastified illness. The little heathens form an invisible, evil sheet over everything in the bathroom, from the toilets to the ceiling tiles, and you cannot avoid them — even if you squat as you pee.
People are under the impression that washing your hands after emptying your bowels and bladder will protect you from becoming infected with a previous bathroom patron’s strep throat or scabies, but they are sorely mistaken. By the time you’ve dried your hands, you have already re-infected yourself with even more germs. They flew to your fingers as you touched the knob of the faucet to turn the water off, and they scrambled to safety under your fingernails as you pressed down on the lever to get paper towels. And you probably touched the door handle on your way out of the bathroom. Big mistake: they were there, too. This means you left the restroom with even more germs on your body than you would have if you had gone for a swim in a diarrhea pool that someone barfed in.
So why bother with lathering up after you’ve done your business? Sure, it’s a bit uncomfortable walking straight out the door from the stall when someone is at the counter washing their hands, but remember that it’s only awkward because they haven’t yet realized that what they’re doing is completely pointless and possibly detrimental to their health. If you have trouble dealing with their ignorant judgments, you can always stand at the sink and pretend like you’re washing your hands by rubbing them together without actually turning the water on. You can then walk out of the bathroom knowing that you’ve successfully avoided acquiring bajillions of germs, and you haven’t wasted your time doing something as ridiculous as being sanitary. |
