May 2004 (v6 i6)
Going down in elevators since 1997
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I never wash my hands
Itís a waste of time, and I donít believe in sanitation
by Kristin Hillery, Managing Editor

Hey now, just because Iím being totally honest about my beliefs doesnít mean you have to stop reading already and label me as a filthy person. I know for a fact that Iím not the only one in the entire world who doesnít see the point in washing their hands after using the restroom, and there are some excellent reasons for having this opinion. Iíve thought long and hard about my decision to abstain from hand washing, and I know youíll agree that not only is it a waste of time, but itís a hazard to your health.

Think about the average public restroom for a moment. Itís nothing more than the fairgrounds for a parasite and germ carnival! Theyíre all over the place, waiting to go for a ride on your index finger or inner thigh and infect your insides with some kind of nastified illness. The little heathens form an invisible, evil sheet over everything in the bathroom, from the toilets to the ceiling tiles, and you cannot avoid them ó even if you squat as you pee.

People are under the impression that washing your hands after emptying your bowels and bladder will protect you from becoming infected with a previous bathroom patronís strep throat or scabies, but they are sorely mistaken. By the time youíve dried your hands, you have already re-infected yourself with even more germs. They flew to your fingers as you touched the knob of the faucet to turn the water off, and they scrambled to safety under your fingernails as you pressed down on the lever to get paper towels. And you probably touched the door handle on your way out of the bathroom. Big mistake: they were there, too. This means you left the restroom with even more germs on your body than you would have if you had gone for a swim in a diarrhea pool that someone barfed in.

So why bother with lathering up after youíve done your business? Sure, itís a bit uncomfortable walking straight out the door from the stall when someone is at the counter washing their hands, but remember that itís only awkward because they havenít yet realized that what theyíre doing is completely pointless and possibly detrimental to their health. If you have trouble dealing with their ignorant judgments, you can always stand at the sink and pretend like youíre washing your hands by rubbing them together without actually turning the water on. You can then walk out of the bathroom knowing that youíve successfully avoided acquiring bajillions of germs, and you havenít wasted your time doing something as ridiculous as being sanitary.
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