May 2004 (v6 i6)
Going down in elevators since 1997
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John Roper
“Jesus Is...” Cartoonist

Splish-Splash! Crystal droplets glide down your shimmering chest as you surface from one of your explosive cannonballs. My mouth waters with each soggy step that you take as you retreat to the cover of your oversized beach umbrella. Oh, tell us tales of proper chlorine levels as you preserve the seashell pallor of your boiling hot body!

vital info

Hobbies: admiring sea sponges, collecting sunscreen bottles, pouring laundry detergent in fountains, not running, breathing through his mouth, lying that he’s already been on the high-diving board
Turn-ons: canteens, zinc, doggie paddling, cranberries, lumber, erasers, religious icons
Turn-offs: nets, clear plastic, gunpowder, dry humping, the butterfly stroke, peeing in toilets, dull pencils, Family Circus
Motto: “I’ve never hit on a woman.”
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